I Love

crawling into bed in between fresh, white, fleece sheets wearing my favorite purple pyjama shorts. The feeling of the fleece against my skin instantly gives me goosebumps.

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You don’t look like someone with a chronic pain condition.

So tell me, what exactly does a person with chronic pain look like??

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How To Love A Woman Who Has Been To Hell And Back

The woman who has been to hell and back is not easy to love.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.

Author Unknown

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I Am Childless But Still Complete

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Practicing Gratitude

1. Having my hubby home from work today, safe from the first blizzard of 2019 and not out on the roads, which are currently closed due to the whiteout conditions. 55cm of snow so far, continuing on overnight.

2. Perry, the guy who we have hired for the winter to plow our lane/driveway during the bigger storms.

3. My pink 2019 day planner that is great for helping me plan out my cleaning chores so that I can try and cope with my OCD issues. Having things planned out for the week helps lower my anxiety and seeing things scheduled shows me that it’s going to get done, just not today. This prevents me from being obsessive and trying to do everything all the one time.

4. Being able to use my phone for so many different things, especially to take pictures.

5. God’s forgiveness. I am not perfect.  I  mess up every day. I forget to say a blessing before I eat. I don’t pray as much as I should. And I know that I am not always a good influence. So many times I have to pray for forgiveness and I am grateful that He hears me every time.

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Childless in December

For many people, December is all about being stuck in long lines at Walmart, listening to songs like “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” Well, I’m pretty sure that whoever wrote that song has never been through the process of trying to adopt a child.

For hopeful adoptive parents, this is without a doubt the hardest time of year. The Christmas season is supposed to represent hope and family. But if you’re trying to start a family through open adoption, it’s not like that.

Its not December 25th, but rather December 26th is the day that can’t come fast enough.

Yes, this month is a stressful time for lots of people. But if you’re on a waiting list to adopt a child, even the most ordinary things can become really difficult to deal with. Personally I find it fun to buy gifts for kids. I love shopping for our 3 year old God daughter and my young niece. I get so excited doing that. But when all the gifts I’m picking out are for other people’s children, it tends to pull hard on my heart strings sometimes.

Another thing that is sort of impossible to avoid is all the advertising. It’s hard when yet another commercial comes up on TV for Baby Gap and all I can think about is how cute that Christmas sleeper would look on my child. Or how pretty my little girl would look in that dress. And just imagine how handsome our little boy would look in that suit and little red bow tie when we take him to church with us Sunday morning! 

Ouch. There’s that pain in my chest again.  It comes whenever I get reminded that we are a childless couple. Everything is in my face, and yet totally of reach.

But you know what? It’s ok. I’ve learned how to deal with it now. I don’t take the questions and conversations personally. “You guys have been married for a few years now. When are ya gonna have some little ones?” I don’t cry in the bathroom when someone asks me this now.

Talking about kids is just a fact of life in December – or any other month for that matter. I don’t HAVE to take part in the conversations. But in saying that, it doesn’t hurt to listen because when my time to be a parent does come along, it could come in handy.

It’s hard to be patient when you want something so bad. When every ounce of your being yearns and literally aches to sit with a child in your arms. My OWN child.  But I firmly believe that what’s meant to be, will be. Maybe 2019 will be the year that we get a call from our social worker saying that it’s our time. That our child is out there waiting and that the adoption process for us is about to begin. Or maybe it won’t. Either way I am okay.

Together my husband and I have learned how to be a childless couple. Our little family consists of us and are too precious dogs. We are happy the way that we are and if that is what God’s plan is for us, then who am I to change it.

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Call your mom. Call your dad. If you are blessed enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, then call them. Don’t text. Don’t email. Pick up your phone and call them. Tell them you love them. And thank them. And listen to them for as long as they want to talk to you.

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