“Hey there! All who are thirsty, come to the water! Are you penniless? Come anyway—buy and eat! Come, buy your drinks, buy wine and milk. Buy without money—everything’s free! Why do you spend your money on junk food, your hard-earned cash on cotton candy? Listen to me, listen well: Eat only the best, fill yourself with only the finest. Pay attention, come close now, listen carefully to my life-giving, life-nourishing words. I’m making a lasting covenant commitment with you, the same that I made with David: sure, solid, enduring love. I set him up as a witness to the nations, made him a prince and leader of the nations, And now I’m doing it to you: You’ll summon nations you’ve never heard of, and nations who’ve never heard of you will come running to you Because of me, your God , because The Holy of Israel has honored you.” Isaiah 55:1‭-‬5 MSG https://bible.com/bible/97/isa.55.1-5.MSG

Thank You

One thing in this world that I fail to appreciate is myself.  As humans it is natural for us to look down on ourselves and question our self worth. It is so easy for me to tell myself that my accomplishments are tiny. I also tend to downplay compliments from other ppl. It is second nature for us to think that we don’t deserve the things we want.  It is an inherent human flaw for us to think lowly of our capabilities and believe that our best will never be good enough no matter how hard we try.

Since being admitted to the hospital 10 days ago I have began to list a few things that I am grateful for each night. It has been really difficult to be honest with you. Here I am in the midst of a very deep depression, struggling just to get a few hundred calories in me each day as I find myself in the throes of an eating disorder. I’m nurse suggested that I download the Gratitude app. So I did. One of the challenges was to write an appreciation letter to myself. So here goes nothing.

Dear Danielle,

We’ve been through so much together and you’ve been so strong. Today I want to honor you and give you all the appreciation you deserve.

Thank you for gaining confidence in yourself. You’ve evolved from this shy, awkward teenager to a strong, well spoken adult who isn’t afraid to speak up.

Thank you for being vulnerable. For opening up to others about your failures and heartaches. I know how much heartbreak you’ve encountered in your life. So many times you have felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel but you’ve always been able to come to a realization of what’s important and what your priorities are.

Thank you for getting things done. Even when things aren’t perfect, you keep going. You keep pushing to get things done. To keep improving as you go along. To never give up. THIS is what life is all about!

Thank you for supporting other ppl. Your own personal experiences of overcoming challenges has led you to be able to support others who are going through their own challenges. You’ve realized that seeing others succeed leads to your happiness. In supporting others, you’ve supported yourself.

Thank you for always managing to dig down deep, to depths I didn’t know existed, in order to find the strength to carry on … like when you were in the car accident. That was tough.

I am thankful for my body and I feel grateful that my soul has this home. My body lives for me and cares so much about me. My heart beats for me. My stomach digests the food for me. The brain is the only instrument in the world that can receive and transmit thoughts. My brain is an extraordinary organ and I am grateful for having it. Thank you for my hand that helps me so much all the time. Thank you for my legs that carry me everywhere. Thank you for my entire body, it is an instrument through which the light is flowing. I allow light to flow freely through every organ of my body. I love my body and my body loves me.

Thank you for your strength. It takes a lot of strength to be in this world. To live on this planet, and to deal with the many challenging situations you have to deal with on a regular basis. And for the strength, courage, and fortitude you show every single day, I thank you.

No matter how many challenging and difficult experiences life sends your way, and no matter how many painful situations you go through, you always find a way to get out of them. You always find a way to come out of your battles with your head held up high and a big smile on your face. And because of that, because of the way you use your “superpowers”, you deserve your love, gratitude, and appreciation. You deserve a big “thank you”!

I feel blessed to live the life that I am living. I feel blessed to breathe air. I am a living, breathing, walking miracle.

Most of all, thank you for writing this letter to yourself. You deserve it. You should give yourself a pat on the back and a hug. I believe in you. YOU got this! I love and support you and I am excited to see what the future has in store.

I Am That Seal

So I was reading the first few pages of a book this evening and I gave a description of a seal caught in a net. Its stuck and doesn’t realize that its rescuers are trying to help. The harder they work to free the seal the more it fights back.

Yeah, that’s definitely me right now. I WANT to be free but I’m having a hard time trusting those who are trying to help. I find myself resisting sometimes. I know that the ppl here are trained professionals and they know what they’re doing. Yet I got very angry and upset when I got locked out of my bathroom after I had my meals today. I have cried many tears. Trying to get free really hurts. My heart is hurting so much that my body literally aches.
Im so grateful that these ppl see something in me worth fighting for.

The rec therapist walked into my room today, spoke 3 words and I broke. “How are you?” He showed up when I was feeling very vulnerable. I was out on a pass and had lunch with my hubby and I panicked. The chilli I ate made my disordered brain yell and scream in protest. I was seconds away from purging when he walked in.

%At first I resisted. I was reluctant to say anything was even wrong. But he was patient. He saw a seal that was struggling because she was caught up in a net. He spent quite some time with me. He saw through my pain. He saw someone worth fighting for.

Letting go of my addiction to food and to purging is HARD. It hurts so much. I doubt myself. The pain is familiar and changing is scary. Bulimia is something that I have used to cope for a very long time. But even though it doesn’t work its still scary to let go. It’s uncomfortable.

I hope that I can start to accept the impossible as possible. Freedom has been a figment of my imagination.

Hopefully it will become a reality.

Beautiful Souls

What if there were no mirrors? No way to see what we looked like?

Somehow I think that we would be better off.

I believe that when we focus on our outward appearances we dont look deeper to see what is really inside. The outward is a distraction from the soul.

Respecting our reflection more than reflecting on our true selves can be our downfall. Our bodies will grow older…..we will not always look the same….but our hearts…our souls…our love..is who we really are.

This is what matters.

When we put our faith in a mirror we will always be dissappointed. When we put our faith in the saviour it keeps our eyes on him, on the love that we have been shown and on the love we have to give.

We are beautiful souls after all. THAT IS HOW GOD SEES US.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalms 139:14

A Bottom-less Bucket

No matter how much people show their love to me, it doesn’t seem to matter. Their love seems to fall into a bucket that has no bottom. It goes in and falls right out. From an early age I began believing that I was undeserving of love. Right now I have an amazing support system around me that continuously showers their love but yet my bucket never feels full. Logically I know that I am loved. But it doesn’t matter. It’s never enough.

Don’t Do It

The sounds of chaos might be reverberating around you like heavy metal
But confusion isn’t from God, it’s straight from the devil.
And he wants to silence the noise and bring peace to you
And I promise if you just ask him, he’ll see you through.
You got to this place because you tried fighting your own fight
And where did that get you except contemplating about taking your own life?

Know that everything the devil did to you, he wants you to replay.
But everything the devil took from you, God wants to replace.
Listen to me right now, you better look me right in the face …
You were created for more than to die in this place!

If you think you’re alone in this fight, you’ve been lied to.
That depression came after me and I nearly died too.

I walked through the fire and I felt that heat
But I pushed past the clutter and I stood to my feet.
I walked out and I refuse to look back.
I took my depression and threw it right back.
And that fire must have blazed 50 feet high
And now I plan on leaving a legacy to look back on some day when I die.

I wish I could change the fact that you feel defeated and
I wish I could lock my arms around you and tell the devil to beat it.

You can choose life or you can get drowned by the noise Please, just ask for help
If not for your family, do it for yourself.

Not That Strong Enough

My arm is black and blue tonight. My iv line slipped out earlier this evening which meant I endured another several brutal hours of being jabbed with those awful needles. I’m lying here now in the dark, trying to relax my tensed body. Even my toes feel stressed out.

My body is under so much pressure these days. Its trying to function with very little fuel. I’m torturing myself every hour of every day and I can’t stop. The voice of reason is being choked to death by the voice of the enemy.

My meals are being supervised here now. Someone sits with me during and for 90 minutes afterwards. Today has been especially difficult as the dr has added Gatorade and Ensure to every meal. Like they seriously can’t fit anything else on the tray. Its a waste of food really because the only thing I’ve been eating is a little soup.

I truly want to recover from this. I do! I’m weak. I’m in pain. I’m absolutely miserable. If I could have a good 3 days of solid, well balanced meals I’m pretty sure it would be enough to give me some strength back and a bit of energy. I think if I could feel that it would be something I would want to keep going with. Except I can’t get one solid balanced meal into me. Its frustrating.

I’m scared to death that they are going to want to send me away to get proper in-patient ED treatment. Right now I’m on a regular psychiatric unit and they really aren’t equipped to treat me. There are a lot of really sick ppl here with a very wide range of illnesses. But I am the only ED patient. They often don’t have the time to spend with me and they give me the responsibility to keep myself out of my room, away from the bathroom after I eat.

Truthfully? I can’t do it. I’m just not strong enough to hold my own self accountable. Its only been 4 days. I am just not capable of taking my meal tray, sitting down and eating 90% of its contents, and keeping myself busy for 90 minutes afterwards. I SHOULD be able to do that. But just think about it. If I was able to do that I wouldn’t be in this state in the first place now would I?

*sigh* I’m just so tired.