Even if …

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul….

Losing Momentum

So I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now. For the past month or so to be quite honest. Yesterday I saw both my therapist and my psychiatrist, as well as my case worker. Everything just kinda came crashing down around me, starting at counseling. I broke. I literally just fell apart. I’ve been holding a lot of things since the beginning of December that I haven’t told anyone about. Things regarding my mental health. And because I’ve been trying to handle it myself but not being successful, things continued to escalate and it just so happened that one thing led to another and while talking to (counselor) my entire body started to tremble violently. I thought I was having a seizure. My teeth began to chatter as if I was freezing. I dissociated and have no memory of the next half hour but I remember looking at the clock and there was only 5 minutes left to my session.

Anyways she wouldn’t let me leave. I was suicidal.
And I have been for a while. The thoughts have reached a point where it’s taken over everything. It’s always there….and I have to spend my days trying to restrain myself from causing some serious harm.

An agreement was made that I would go to my psychiatrist appointment which was right after and I would tell him the truth about my current state and that I would have 2 days to sit and fill David in on everything …

I’m going to be having a medication change now. I’m going to be coming off Epival over the next 7days while starting Lamotrigine at the same time.

I spent 2 hours pouring things out to David and I cried myself to sleep. I was also supposed to give him my meds and he just give me a couple days at a time but I failed to do that part.

My counselor said that she will call me on Friday to check on me and see if I’ve told David. They don’t want me dealing with it alone anymore and they felt he should be aware that I have been having strong suicidal thoughts. So if I need to reach out to him for help it won’t come as a surprise to him.

So……that’s where I’m at these days. Just breathing and trying to figure out how on earth I can keep fighting this … and whether or not I even want to.

You’re Present Doesn’t Define You

You are not your tear stained face.
You are not the dirt and sweat that trickles down your back.
You are not the stares of those who do not understand your journey.
You are not the sobs you cry in the middle of the night.
You are not the loneliness that plagues and haunts you.
You are not a pauper because you have had to receive help from others.
You are not the reckless and painful words that others pierced your broken heart with.

You are not the shame and embarrassment you feel.
You are not the crisis you daily try to overcome.
You are not the scars that you wear from a broken heart.
You are not the foreigner you feel like…like the one who doesn’t belong.
You are not the humbled places you are living and dwelling now.
You are not the rejection and abandonment you have experienced.
You are not the burden you feel you always carry.

You are not the loss of everything that was ripped and stolen from you.
You are not hopeless like the circumstances tell you.
You are not unlovely or less than beautiful just because your pain is in your eyes and your troubles have made the wrinkles around them.
You are not forgotten like the love you once had from someone.

But you are the tender and sweet spirit that came from your pain.
You are the strength you never knew you had.
You are the courageous one that gets up everyday.
You are the soul that reaches her hand to help others.
You are the brave smile you show even when you desire to cry.

You are the one who fights for and reaches to keep hope alive.
You are the one who has been loyal and faithful to God even in the midst of adversities.
You are the one who keeps believing for better and brighter days.
You are the one whose beauty and essence has been formed by your crushed petals…Yet your bruising has been your sweetest perfume.

You are the attitude of perseverance.
You are the kindred heart that embraces others who are hurting too.
You are the one who has gleaned great wisdom from your mistakes.
You are the one who doesn’t have to show herself off- your heart and character already do.
You are the one who has walked closely with your Poppa God. He has been your best friend, confident and strength.

You are the one who has gained great treasures through this season.
You are the one who has worked in fields of GRACE.
You are the one whose walked the road of tears that will eventually turn to songs of joy.
You are the one who is soon being embraced, celebrated and covered.
You are the one who has been so strong to let go of her losses so she will gain her divine destiny.
You are beautiful, loyal, and known to be faithful and true.
You are…

I’ve Started Going To Therapy Again

Therapy is done in layers, but unlike an onion, we don’t simply peel off and discard layers once we look at them. We take a layer, examine it, put it back, take another layer, leave it for later, skip a layer to see something else, then go back to the second layer and reexamine it with what we know now. Maybe along the way you fall back into an old habit (remember, the layers don’t disappear) and we spend some time just holding all the layers without processing or questioning them.

Entering therapy with much to talk about—that’s the top layer, or maybe even the second or third. Sometimes that top layer—what we sometimes refer to in therapy circles as the “presenting problem”—has been getting all the attention for so long because it’s the loudest or most painful. When that’s peeled back for a moment, when it has received some attention, we need to take some time to see what else may be exposed. These may be quieter parts of you but are no less important or meaningful

This Is Life

This is life, and it is what it is. Crap is going to happen. It’s going to get complicated. We will relapse. We will need timeouts. We are going to be weak. We are going to be strong. We are going to lose our shit and yell for people to get out of our lives. We’re going to break down and beg some people to not leave us. Some days we are going to feel everything all at once and other days we are going to feel nothing at all. We are going to be in some bad places and we are going to be in some amazing ones too. We’re going to get on our knees crying and hurting and begging for help. We’re going to get on our knees and cry and pray just to say thank you. We’re going to have moments when we know exactly what we want and we’re sure of everything. We’re going to have moments when we legit have no clue what we want and we are confused. This life thing is not a movie and I think sometimes we forget that way too much.

I used walk this road alone

I used to fight with sticks and stones

But now I know what I believe
And I win my battles on my knees
I pray
Even when the lights go out
And the darkest cloud

Tries to hold me down

I pray
Even when I don’t know why
And my hands feel tied
I’m afraid at night
I’m not giving up

I pray