I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.
I can’t stand a lot of different kinds of dirty, and a dirty bathroom is the worst. A filthy house gives me a sense of physical desperation akin to claustrophobia. It feels as if chaos is raining down on me. Like I’m drowning under piles of trash. As if the earth itself has vomited all over me.
I know it’s crazy and that it’s the OCD talking. No. I am not drowning in trash. Garbage gets taken out every day. Yes. There is dog fur. I have 2 dogs so there is not a day where there’s no fur somewhere. There’s a layer of dust on the baseboard heater. I noticed it at 3:30am when I was cleaning up from yet another late night binge and purge session, which has been a regular occurrence this week.
I am so tired. Exhausted really. If I slow down or sit for a bit, I find myself nodding off within minutes. But let me lie down and get comfy so I can have a decent rest, and immediately I’m back on high alert.
Thoughts screaming around in my head, shouting demands at me to dust the heater. Or wipe the puppy nose prints off the window, so they can smear it all up again.
There’s no end. I hurt. Physically. I feel everything I do is done in vain because I have to keep doing it over and over. I want a clean house. And I want to curl up with Netflix and watch all day long without having to lift a finger to clean anything. A day for me.
I feel so awful for even saying that. Its selfish to want it all about me.
God, I am such a loser.
So, my brain is about to explode. My hubby’s 30th birthday is this Saturday and I want to make him a cake. The problem? I can’t bake. Like seriously. I can cook lots of things. I cook supper for my husband every evening. And mostly I make good meals. But baking? With flour and butter and sugar? I have never been able to create anything even remotely decent. So for me to want to make a birthday cake? Its almost laughable.
But I really want to try. What kind? Well, I have a Chocolate cake mix up in the cupboard. So I guess it will be Chocolate. I have to figure out how to make icing and how to decorate it.
Any suggestions are welcome!
Warrior Princess because I’ve had enough defeat.
Warrior Princess because I’m no longer okay with feeling discouraged.
Warrior Princess because I’m tired of my beauty getting slammed and slandered by life’s disappointments.
Warrior Princess because it breaks my heart to see all of the lies I let myself believe.
If I am truly the daughter of a King than there is better out there for me than settling for all of this repeated darkness.
And there’s more out there for you too!!
My body is attacking itself, eating my bones like a bloodthirsty internal zombie. My body is cooking me day in and day out with boiling inflammation that saturates my muscles and skin. So forgive me if I get snappy from the pain once in a while and if I can’t always smile. And forgive me if I feel afraid and tenacious about what the future may bring. yes I try to keep my chin up and yes there are many things for which I am truly thankful. But sometimes I just need the space to be sad and cry and be angry without someone judging me or making me feel bad about it.
✨ I’m inviting you to join Drop, the free app that’s giving away millions in cash rewards every day! Use my code t5nyl to get $5 – no strings attached