My Aging Mind


I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to slow down aging process lately. My grandmother was recently diagnosed with alzheimer’s disease and it has really come as quite a shock. I’m having a hard time processing it and I’ve been doing a lot of crying. I’m afraid of what the future is going to bring and how my relationship with my nan is going to be affected. She’s my hero. My confidante. She calls me every day at the exact same time for 30-40 minutes. What if she forgets to call me? She has already forgotten all phone numbers so my pop tells her my number … every single day.

So I’ve been freaking out inside. Trying to slow down aging. I use face cream now. I put more thought into my make up. I have an appt to get my hair done next week. I’m going short and funky and black with rainbow highlights. I’m beyond excited for this fresh new look!

But the fact is our brains age just like our bodies doonly the mental side effects can significantly mess up the quality of life way more that a few face wrinkles will. Our brains start slowing down at the age of 30. Crazy, just to think about how right now my own brain is slowing down.

Aerobic exercise apparently reduces brain-tissue loss and it actually sharpen your brain after years of sedentary living. I’ve read about this in almost every article I’ve found so I guess there must be some truth to it. Exercise of any kind has never played much part in my life. Ever. I need to change this. I need to move. My toes. Ankles. Knees. Hips. Even the small moves count.

I think I’m going to start now and go for a little walk outside.

Struggling To Find Purpose 

I’m trying to discover what makes me feel purposeful. I struggle with this and lately I feel as if all purpose has been drained from me and there is none left. But I must change this. I have to put an effort into specifically finding things that make me feel good and worthwhile. And I’m going to start by doing some journaling and see what kind of stuff my brain can come up with. 

Pen to paper journaling. 

And a bit of dabbling with the website. 

Coping With It – On My Own

I know how hard it is when you have no one to talk to. Especially no one who understands what’s going on with you. I have spent most of my life dealing with my issues myself because I had no one I could trust. 

Dealing with anxiety and OCD and depression and bipolar and PTSD and bulimia is a lot different and a lot harder to talk about than things like school stress, money problems, and even stress related to your kids acting up or something. Those are common things that many people talk about because it is something that many people have in common but when it comes to things like OCD and anxiety and depression, those things make people uncomfortable and there’s nothing worse than when you are trying to explain to someone what is going on in your head and they get that uncomfortable look on their face and you realize that they have no idea what you are talking about because they don’t have the same struggles. It just makes you feel so alone. 

Well, in my experience anyways. 

I have OCD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I also have Bipolar, PTSD, and depression. I’m on a shit load of meds for it all and they keep me fairly stable most days. But I have episodes of each issue and sometimes more than one thing will flare up. I might have a few days of depression and severe OCD symptoms. Or I might have anxiety attacks brought on by PTSD issues. It’s crazy. It makes ME feel crazy. And lonely. I feel very lonely because it’s a huge part of me that David and I have to work through and deal with alone. And not having friends here doesn’t make it any better.