That’s what’s held me back from a lot of things in my life. Fear and self image issues. I don’t like my life the way it is right now and I know this is NOT God’s plan for me. This is not the way things were meant to be.

Lots of prayer from my family, peers, as well as myself has gotten me to the point I am at this very minute. And it’s gonna take a lot more prayer to help me DO what I KNOW I need to do to fix up my life But yeah …

I’m 31 years old. My twenties were spent deep in addictions, eating disorders, suicide attempts, self injury, alcoholism and a lot of other crap. But I refuse to spend my thirties that way too. God has given me more than one second chance at living because medically I should be dead. The car accident took my arm, my hair, my left breast, some bones and way too much blood. It took my breath and my organ functions and left me on machines for a while. Doctors said I wouldn’t live through the night. That was 3 years ago. Suicide attempts have left me on life support. But yet here I am. Drug overdoses that would have killed a horse just left me limp and sick for a few days only to have me in the same situation shortly after. I have seen more hospital walls, IV needles and polls, and little cups of sedatives than any other things in my 31 years on earth. I have survived it all.

I know God isn’t keeping me alive just to live in this dark place that I am in and be alone. David’s love for me has shown me a lot lately about my importance to him and the ppl around me. My husband loves me unconditionally and it’s time I appreciate that. Which I do. Always have. But I see it in a different light right now.

I’ve got a lot to work on and it’s going to take a while but I’m determined to improve my life. I can’t waste the opportunity I have to be here on this earth and enjoy everything it has to offer.

I need you Lord. More than anything I need You. I’m so hungry for life. All that you have in store for me. I ask for you will to be fulfilled in my life. More than the air I breathe, more than the songs I sing, more than my next heartbeat …. I need You more. Your presence is life to me. It’s what I breathe. I need more of Your presence. More than anything. I need You.


About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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2 Responses to Fear

  1. Manny says:

    You survived, you made it this far, you can go somuch further


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