Will Never Understand

I’m so lonely.
And I am having a harder and harder time with people and even leaving my apartment. My anxiety is so bad. Hyperventilating attacks are a daily thing. I randomly panic as if I’m being smothered with a pillow. Haven’t slept in our bed in 2 weeks. I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch while David sleeps on an air mattress on the floor next to me. It’s the only place I feel comfortable. It’s not the bed. Or the room. It’s me. There’s something seriously wrong with me.

And I need David to be within reach at all times. I need to know that I can touch him so that I know he’s there. I feel fine when he’s at work but when he’s home I need him close. It’s like I’ve turned him into my human security blanket.

With real blankets … I need one to touch at night but I panic when it covers me. I cannot be covered but yet I need to have a blanket to hold onto.

I truly am obviously a mess right now. I was doing so well. Past few yrs have been great. No serious flares of bipolar. So why now? Why does the brain have to be so messed up but so in control at other times?


About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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One Response to Will Never Understand

  1. kat says:

    im so sorry youre struggling so much right now. have you had a med change or big change in our life or anything? just a thought. im struggling alot too right now, we tried a med change, not so successful.


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