This has been one heck of a night. I have cried to the extent of throwing up. And it all started when we went out for a drive around town to watch all the kids out on the go. Everything was going great and then I felt a bit hot and stuffy so I started to put the window down. I didn’t so much as have it down 2 inches when David used his main power control buttons on the drivers side to take over the window and put it UP. I could have lived with that. It was my fault. I didn’t ask him if he was cold and apparently he was very cold. So me putting down the window was a bad move on my part. But he didn’t say a word, just took control, put the window up and …. locked it.
You do NOT do that.
I asked him to unlock the window and I promise not to put it down but he didn’t. Then the flashbacks hit. Anxiety. Hyperventilating. Pleading with him to unlock the window. After a while he did. Other stuff happened, more was said, then we arrived home. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and without waiting for him or offering to take one of the 2 bags he had to carry. Straight to the apartment.
I walked inside, he came behind me and closed the door, and I collapsed into a mess. It took about 2 hours of crying, sobbing, throwing up, feeling faintish, and in between trying to talk to David. I made it quite clear to him that he is to NEVER lock the window and deny me access to air if I needed it. I have been locked in places as a child that would make your jaw drop and you’d understand my reaction to the locked window.
This is what life is like with complex PTSD. It turns otherwise acceptable situations into terrifying moments that freeze you from head to toe with such intense fear that make it impossible to function as a normal human being. PTSD has the ability to ruin your life if you let it …