Do NOT Lock My Window

This has been one heck of a night. I have cried to the extent of throwing up. And it all started when we went out for a drive around town to watch all the kids out on the go. Everything was going great and then I felt a bit hot and stuffy so I started to put the window down. I didn’t so much as have it down 2 inches when David used his main power control buttons on the drivers side to take over the window and put it UP. I could have lived with that. It was my fault. I didn’t ask him if he was cold and apparently he was very cold. So me putting down the window was a bad move on my part. But he didn’t say a word, just took control, put the window up and …. locked it.

You do NOT do that.

I asked him to unlock the window and I promise not to put it down but he didn’t. Then the flashbacks hit. Anxiety. Hyperventilating. Pleading with him to unlock the window. After a while he did. Other stuff happened, more was said, then we arrived home. I jumped out of the car as fast as I could and without waiting for him or offering to take one of the 2 bags he had to carry. Straight to the apartment.

I walked inside, he came behind me and closed the door, and I collapsed into a mess. It took about 2 hours of crying, sobbing, throwing up, feeling faintish, and in between trying to talk to David. I made it quite clear to him that he is to NEVER lock the window and deny me access to air if I needed it. I have been locked in places as a child that would make your jaw drop and you’d understand my reaction to the locked window.

This is what life is like with complex PTSD. It turns otherwise acceptable situations into terrifying moments that freeze you from head to toe with such intense fear that make it impossible to function as a normal human being. PTSD has the ability to ruin your life if you let it …


About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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7 Responses to Do NOT Lock My Window

  1. kat says:

    no one, with or without trauma, should be treated the way he did you. he could have said, hey im freezing! or would you mind…but no! he took control from you, said your needs weren’t important, and then locked you away.

    even if that wasn’t a trigger for you, it was NOT an acceptable situation.


  2. Penny Lane says:

    I’m so sorry šŸ˜¦ equally I’m glad you documented this because like many other people I can relate to this. It seems like such a small thing, but I could feel and easily imagine your own panic reading this. I can relate to your feelings and it’s just hideous, frightening, terrible sense of loss of control and suffocation. I hope he was apologetic and understanding in the end?


  3. janetcate says:

    PTSD does have the potential to ruin your life if you let it. Sometimes I need air in a car because all of a sudden I will have difficulty breathing from panic attack. I would be really angry if someone shut the window and locked it without any discussion. Glad you were able to take the time to grief and explain why that was not acceptable behavior.
    suffer with PTSD daily but I have built a life of peace and bliss as well. Today, I embrace all of these feelings and find the joy in being fully human, fully alive.


  4. DotedOn says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope David understood in the end šŸ™‚


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