So. There has been no obvious consistency with my posts or their topics lately. I’ve been spending a lot of time inside my head. Reading things that are so though provoking that one piece of writing may linger in my thoughts for days.
Along with my many inconsistent thought topics has been the issue of bipolar showing it’s ugly face again. Today I had my second session with my psychiatrist in less then a week and a half. He has increased my lithium dose. My moods have pretty much settled from the 2 week long roller coaster ride and have seemed to have kicked me off the ride and thrown me into a ditch.
Right now my days are consisting of a lot of note writing. I paid my cell phone bill. Had to write it down. If not I would probably pay it again tomorrow. Mom called so I jotted down a few notes about what we talked about. If not, in 3 hours when David gets home from work I would be able to say that mom called but then I would be blank, I’d get frustrated with myself, then spend an hour crying.
I have a hard time forming my words. My mind tells me what to say but when I open my mouth only the first few words come out and then my throat catches, I stutter, I say one thing but mean something else ….. I fear what is going on. There is more to this than just a symptom of mental illness. I am afraid of what the doctors will end up telling me. A tumor? Cancer??
Whatever it is, it’s not good. I should not have to have a conversation with my husband through writing in order for my words to make sense. Things are just getting more and more frustrating each day.
God, be with me.