Fighting To Prove It

My mouth is very slowly coming back to normal. No swelling left. Bleeding has stopped. Am also gradually eating small amounts of foods that require chewing. Had mashed potato and some baked cod fish and it was heavenly! 

Am working through my disordered food related thought process one by one. Trying to fight against the negativity in my mind by combatting it with doses of readings and quotes and other things that fall under the topics of body acceptance and recovery. Some attempts are successful and I am able to rationalize with myself while other times it turns into a screaming battle between 2 separate forces inside of me. These are the moments that make me stop and really question my sanity. 

I’ve been down this road many times before and these episodes have usually ended badly, with me in a hospital bed, somewhere, in one of the many hospitals in this province, either in intensive care or in a private room under constant observation on the psychiatric ward. 

I have managed to stay standing on my own 2 feet without falling and face planting into a hole for 2 years now. That was my last psychiatric hospitalization. I’ve been fighing tooth and nail to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground with both legs holding me up. My legs actually seem to have gotten stronger along the way. I’ve had a few major blows this week but I’m still standing. 

Thank you God. 

I will continue to work my way through this by visualizing a child. Admiring the parents I see out around with their kids. Unstable mental health will cause us to lose our place on our province’s adoption registry. If I can’t take care of myself then how can I be a mother to a child who will desperately need me? 

It’s is the face of that unborn baby that will come into this world sometime soon who will lie in a cradle somewhere, waiting for a social worker to decide their fate. And my name and my husband’s name will appear somewhere amongst all of the data and we will be chosen to be the couple who will take this child home with us and I will finally be able to hold my gift from God. I will become a mom. 

But only if I can remain in control of the demons within me. So I will fight like I have never fought before and I WILL prove that I CAN do this!!

Oh God. Please help me. 

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About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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3 Responses to Fighting To Prove It

  1. deanamarcial says:

    I haven’t read the rest of your post yet to learn more about you, but I admire you for being brave enough to share about your illness. I will be praying for you.

    Like

  2. DotedOn says:

    I’m sure you can do it! πŸ™‚
    I’m glad to know your legs are stronger now πŸ™‚
    hugs ❀

    Like

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