I’m In A Dangerous Place

I’m really not in a good place. I have been crying for the past two hours. I’ve walked around every room in apartment talking myself down. 

I’ve screamed into my pillow. I’ve taken meds to calm me down. I’ve cuddled with my little fur baby. It’s all failed. 

I’m panicking. I need help. I’m here. Alone. Shaking. Sobbing. Talking to myself and listing reasons why committing suicide right now is not a good idea. My brain is screaming opposition. 

“This knife that’s in your hand is perfect. A deep, swift motion and then lie down with your blanket.” says my brain. 

I just stare at it, sobbing. 

“You got a lot of yummy crunchy pills sitting right over there. They are all yours. So go get a big glass of water and take them and then voila!!! The sleep you have been needing for quite awhile now.”

I want to bang my head against the wall to get this to stop. I cannot cope. I can’t keep up. I can’t keep going. 

I just can’t do anything. I am nothing more than a crumpled up mess that is not even coherent enough to make a phone call. 

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About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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7 Responses to I’m In A Dangerous Place

  1. Penny Lane says:

    Is there anyone you could at least send an email or text to? Writing is so much easier than talking. You really need someone to take care of you right now xx

    Like

  2. kat says:

    so sorry. this is a really terrible place to be. i hope it is of the shorter duration, related to the PTSD being triggered, and will soon settle.

    Like

  3. Danielle, I know how alone you feel. Ugh, I wish I was there to hug you ’til it felt better. Like people have been for me. I wish I could lift you up and say the right words. I’ve been there. Crying on the kitchen floor in the fetal position after I’ve counted stacks of sleeping pills. Last September I followed through – hanging from a door knob, passed out, waiting for the light to come. It is so unbelievably hard to believe it right now but the tide will ebb and the waves will cease to toss you chaotically about, my friend. Just fight through that pain. You don’t give up. Allow yourself grace. The morning will come. We will all hold you in our virtual world as you pass through this.

    Liked by 2 people

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