It’s been a very painful two weeks. I’ve had a very serious attack of Central regional pain syndrome or also known as CR PS.I develop this condition after my car accident several years ago and my life has not been the same sense. I have had more trouble with this condition that I have with the actual amputation of my arm. When it strikes it’s as if someone lit a match and poked it into one of my veins and my blood turns to fire. I know that is an extreme way to describe it but that’s how it feels. I feel as if I had liquid fire running through my entire body and every time my heart beats it’s just pumping it harder and harder and the pain just gets stronger and stronger. No amendment of morphine injections or doses of Percocet or add Ville or Aleve or Tylenol or codeine and on and on and on. No amount of any of this can give any relief because CR PS is a pain condition that is based out of the nerve endings at the base of my brain so I would end up with an actual medical overdose before there would be any relief from any sort of medication. And there are only so many coping skills that I can draw upon to help me handle it but after the second day it’s beyond anything just like in there. Sometimes an attack of this can last a couple of hours or a day or two or it could last weeks. Last year I had an attack that lasted 6 1/2 weeks. It was beyond anything that I could describe here in a blog entry. I have now come up on the end of the second week with this attack and I don’t know from one minute to the next how I’m supposed to keep going. I want to live my life. I want to go outside and enjoy the sun and I want to walk my dog. Right now she is sitting at my feet just looking at me with this last look in her eye because I am her mama and she looks to me for everything but the poor thing has been left to her own skills to keep herself occupied lately. And she is by far not a dog that does well on her own. She is very attached to me and because I have been sick I sense that she is becoming depressed and it’s tearing me apart inside. I get so angry with how my body fails me. Because not only does it fail me it also fails my husband, my parents, my friends, my pets, etc.
I wish I could somehow use my words to relieve my anger about this chronic illness but I can’t because words cannot do justice to the amount of anger and I have inside of me today.