And I cannot let down this guard in my mind, the one that is keeping the demons busy, protecting myself from the onslaught of emotion that might be unleashed if I was to let myself fully feel, fully be. But sometimes the breakdown is inevitable.
is a lonely, frustrating place. A place that feels like failure, and disappointment, and betrayal. Not only has my mind turned against me, but my body proves to be very unreliable as well.
Please don’t discount my experience or feelings in any way. You cannot speak for me because you know nothing about the world inside my brains.
It’s lonely. And I hurt. Oh how I hurt. Sometimes I ache for others. For the connection of my soul to another soul. I dream of engaging in sacred devotion with another human being. I want to look into their eyes, really really deep into their eyes, and become moved by the things that move them. And then I could smile.
No barriers. No walls. As vulnerable and exposed to each other as possible. Real people. None of these ugly fake facades that you use to keep yourself from coming too close to me. I long for something real for a change.
Sometimes the absence of real communication in my life is so profound it feels like my heart will break. Quite often I feel rejected. I must be doing something wrong, be unappealing to this society, for this kind of ignorance to occur.
Why do they keep giving me these empty promises? I know you really aren’t going to call. I know that you will never show up at my door wearing that ugly, fake smile of yours. I know that here will be no new notifications telling me I have a message from you. From anyone.
I know: you say it’s not me, it’s you, it’s your life, but I wasn’t always as cut off like this.
Is it because I’m getting older? Am I not sexy? Do I make you feel uncomfortable? Why is it that people just refuse to even TRY to connect with me?
My heart is breaking.
And now my demons beckon me. Unfortunately they don’t always play nicely. Sometimes they reduce me to ashes and I’m left shaking, wide-eyed, stripped bare with my soul torn and bleeding.
But I always learn from my demons. I can’t outrun them. I don’t want to because they have something to teach me.
I won’t run away from this breakdown. And I am too weak to fight against the meltdown.
But how can I fix it?
Neither me nor my demons have an answer.