24 Hours Of Devastation 

Some things have been going on this week. A lot of things have been going on actually. 

I saw a doctor in Grandfalls today and on Monday coming I will be going in hospital for 24 hours. I’m going to be getting something called an infusion treatment and is going to put me out of commission for the next 3 to 4 weeks. I have to stop any exercising and I don’t know when I will I will be able to do it again. So my coaching groups are going to be affected and my new healthy lifestyle plans are going to be majorly messed up because I can’t exercise. 

I will be going back to the hospital for one day a week for the next month at least to be getting these infusion treatments. I will be getting some sort of medication infused throughout my entire body over the course of 4 hours with the goal to be to slowly kill the tips of all of the nerve endings in my body. It’s almost like they will be partially paralyzing me but not permanently. It’s a new procedure that has only recently become approved by the FDA here in Canada and my doctor has only used it on two patients so far. I will be the third. Lucky me. But I’m open to anything if it will give me a chance at a better quality of life. 

It’s not going to be an easy month but they feel that this treatment may actually work for me. I am a prime candidate for it because of the condition I have that causes so much chronic pain. The Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. 

Also, yesterday morning one of my aunts passed away unexpectedly. 

And THEN my grandmother got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I am absolutely devastated. 

My grandmother is my rock and she has been the one who has stood beside me my entire life. She raised me until I was 10 years old so nan and I have a very special relationship. 

Things have been going downhill with her for the past while and she has been forgetting a lot of things. Lately she has been kind of losing touch with reality sometimes during conversations. It’s like you can be talking to her and she kind of slips away into a subject that makes absolutely no sense and then she snaps right back to reality and continues on with the conversation as if nothing ever happened. It’s killing me to watch this and to actually have that diagnosis spoken out loud to us by the Dr. was really really hard. 

I’ve heard horror stories about this disease and now my grandmother has it and I have to watch my her disappear right before my eyes. 

And I’m so scared 😭

My Nan is my rock. My hero. My inspiration. We talk from 6pm-7pm every single day no matter where I am or what I’m doing. I can’t lose her. I need her. And she needs me to be strong right now but instead I’m falling apart.

 I can’t look at her without crying. She’s blind so she can’t see the tears I’ve shed in front of her since yesterday. And I’m home but I feel like I need to be with her. I’m afraid to be away from her. I’m scared I’m missing precious time with her.  

I’m just so scared. 

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About Secret Stains

I wanna do something that matters, say something different, something that sets the whole world on it's ear. i wanna do something better with the time I've been given and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life to prove I was here. I apologize if I seem absent minded sometimes. Sometimes I forget I'm still awake and say things out loud. Inside I am beginning to burst at the seams. There are so many secrets ... so many scars ... so many stains. This is me. Welcome to my world.
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