Content warning; discusses suicide… You don’t have to fight with mental illness alone.

The Mental Health, Writing, and Photography Blog of Kevin J Sabo

Photo by Kat Jayne on

I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve been suicidal over the years.

I still struggle with suicidal ideation every so often, though thankfully not as bad as I used to. The depression that causes the suicidal ideation is a liar. It isolates you from those who care about you. It whispers in your ear that death is the only way out.

I’m not embarrassed to admit that I have attempted suicide more than once. Thankfully, the actions didn’t result in significant permanent harm. I know the feeling of standing on that metaphorical edge, being too scared too live, yet too scared to die.

The first thing I had to learn when being on that ledge is that I am not alone. Sometimes you have to scratch and fight for it every step of the way, but help is out there. It took…

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Questioning My Mental Anguish

The enemy is after me 24/7 … and I’m so scared that in a moment of weakness … I’m going to give in.

When I’m washing dishes he urges me to grab the knife …

when I take my meds he whispers to me, telling me that all I’d have to do to make this pain stop forever is to take all of the pills …

when I read my daily devotions he’s chastising me for not being a good enough christian …

when I’m talking to God the enemy is filling me with guilt, with thoughts about my faith being so weak and puny and that there’s no need for me to dedicate time to a God that doesn’t even listen to me (which I logically know isn’t true) …

and while I lie awake at night he reminds me of my stepfather’s gun case, the fact that I have a key to their house, and I know exactly how to get that display case open.

How do I make this stop?? Is this a spiritual battle or is it mental illness?

Does this mean that my faith really isn’t strong enough?

It feels like I’m being attacked. But is it really from the devil? Or is this my own doing?

OR … am I literally losing my mind??

Shades Of Grey

I want you to think about something for a minute  …

Just say that you had some sort of disease in your eyes that only allowed you to see the color grey. Everyday, all that you see around you is just different shades of grey. But everyone else can see all the colors and all you keep hearing is how beautiful the world is.

I feel like that person … except the disease is in my brain. Bipolar Disorder has stripped away all the beautiful things and it makes me see and feel nothing but blackness.

I’m in a very bad place right now and I apologize for not seeing things the way you do. Please be patient with me. And if you pray, I could really use that right now.

I need safety….
I’m scared. I’m lonely. I’m tired. Every tear has been shed today.

There’s nothing left.

Note 2 Self

Every day you wake up is a win. Every rough night you make it through attests to your strength. You don’t have to feel strong to be strong, and you don’t have to be moving forward to be healing. It’s okay to be still for a minute, to breathe and reflect on where you’ve been and how much road is behind you now. The road ahead can be overwhelming —It was and still is for me.

On the days where you are ashamed of your scars or scared that perhaps today is the day they’ll reopen, try to remember how strong you have been.

You are here, and because you are here, you are strong.

We Need The Nourishment

Now here’s something for you to think about ….

A man wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.

He wrote: “I’ve gone for 30 years now, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time. The preachers are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all”.

This started a real controversy in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ column.
Much to the delight of the editor, it went on for weeks until someone wrote this:

“I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.
Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”

When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something! Faith is what sees the invisible, believes the incredible, and receives the impossible!

So be thankful for your physical and your spiritual nourishment!

This is the result of 3 hours of treatments today, trying to get 1 liter of pure vitamin K1 liquid in me to thicken my blood enough so that I don’t bleed to death. Brushing my teeth and even eating hard food causes my mouth to bleed. And every bathroom trip results in even more blood loss. Then there’s the poking from the needles, which usually results in a change of clothing and bedsheets.

It’s a darn good thing that I can handle the sight of my own blood. 💉

One More Failure

On Sunday night I was admitted to the ICU. Why? Because I’m a failure. That’s why.

There was internal bleeding and blah blah blah. Anyway yesterday my blood levals were improving. But this morning I am almost back at square one.

Initially I had a reading of 10, which is off the charts. A 10 is the highest recorded INR level and once it is reached the system stops recording. After receiving intensive care for 4 days yesterday my level was at 6. Today? 7.4 again. Very very weak. Cold. Exhausted. Sharp stomach pains.

And extremely discouraged.