My body is attacking itself, eating my bones like a bloodthirsty internal zombie. My body is cooking me day in and day out with boiling inflammation that saturates my muscles and skin. So forgive me if I get snappy from the pain once in a while and if I can’t always smile. And forgive me if I feel afraid and tenacious about what the future may bring. yes I try to keep my chin up and yes there are many things for which I am truly thankful. But sometimes I just need the space to be sad and cry and be angry without someone judging me or making me feel bad about it.
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Falling asleep, waking up and everything is just like it was before – the wish of many amputated people. But unfortunately, an amputation is an irrevocable change. Any amputation of a limb means a loss off the body and, consequently the loss of his/her physical integrity. “The loss of a limb is equivalent to the loss of a close relative,” says Dagmar Gail, chairman and founder of the Amputierten-Initiative e.V (Amputees Initiative) in Germany. Even the most sophisticated technology is not able to fully replace the loss that one experiences through amputation. A toe, or a finger. A hand. A foot. Or an arm or leg. Each one is as extreme as the next. Cleanly removed through a planned surgery or ripped from the body by some extreme, unexpected catastrophe. No matter how hard you work on accepting your new body and learning a new set of skills, and no matter how long you have lived without your limb ….
There will always be days when you will wake up and wish like everything was like it was before.
Just start …. by doing 1 at a time. 1 of anything. You don’t need to go and jump over the moon today. But I do know that no matter what your situation is right now, you are capable of doing 1 thing. Make a phone call. Brush your teeth. Step outside on your bridge and take in a few breaths of air. Walk to the end of your driveway. Drink 1 glass of water. You have to start somewhere!
I’m scared, ok? I’m scared that one day he’s going to wake up and not love me anymore. I’m scared that he’s going to get sick of my craziness and my need for constant reassurance that he’s not going to leave me. I’m scared that he’s going to get fed up with my mood swings and my panic attacks and my uncontrollable fits of sadness. Mostly I’m just scared that he’s going to see me the way I see myself.
I just really really don’t want him to leave me.