Surgery in 3 Days

I can’t stop the thoughts. My mind keeps reeling through different scenarios, picturing that cold metal table she will be lying on as they shave the fur from the base of her spine down to her ankle and then make the incision in her skin. While she lies there, her breathing labored, her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth. I keep imagining things that could happen. The surgeon slipping on the floor and accidentally cutting my girl in some random place on her body, blood pouring out of her. I keep thinking that the anesthetic is going to be too strong in her heart is going to stop. And never start again, ever. I just keep visualizing her lifeless body there on that metal table in that strange room, Without me there to comfort her. The thoughts. I just can’t stop these thoughts.

The feeling in the pit of my stomach is sour. Awful. If they call me with bad news and I answer my phone to hear your voice on the other end telling me that my baby girl did not pull through this surgery, I’m pretty convinced that it will be the end of me.

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Dogs, Debt, and Dread

My beautiful brown eyed girl loves snow. Her outdoor playtime has been limited this year though because of her injury. But this time next year our hope is that she will outside, frolicking in snow, as happy as can be. But that’s a long way away yet though.

So right now I’m slowly gathering together what we need to bring to St. John’s with us next week.

At 7am on Monday we will be leaving to make one of the most nerve racking road trips ever. Zoey will be seeing her surgeon, Dr. Bailey, at 1:30pm at the Veterinary Speciality Hospital.

Monday night we will then stay in a hotel. Zoey will be with us that first night. She will have to fast in preparation for Tuesday morning, where she will be admitted to the hospital and will undergo major surgery.

My heart is breaking 💔

No one wants their baby to suffer, especially not me. It’s going to be so hard to leave her in the hospital on Tuesday and walk away from her. It’s going to crush me. I’ve been trying not to think about it because I cry every time.

But this is necessary. Many people have expressed their opinions about the expense of this. That they would never in a million years take out a second mortgage on their house just to get surgery on their dog.

But we aren’t your average family. Zoey is not JUST a dog. She’s my therapy dog. She works well with me to keep me functioning as I struggle to manage life with Bipolar, PTSD, CRPD, and an amputation.

If you found yourself in my situation, what do you think you would do? Be honest now. Would you be willing to go through with a $7,000.00 surgery for your dog/cat?<<<

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My Lifeline Has Fur

She’s only going in for a few hours. We drop her off and they are going to give her some sedation so that they can get some clear X-rays and then we go pick her up once she’s awake. No big deal right?

Then why am I so heartbroken?

There’s no end to the tears I’ve shed today. She brings me a toy and I hug her and sob. She sat next to me on the couch and I leaned over onto her and cried and cried. My eyes are swollen and my heart is aching.

Zoey is my pride and joy. My companion. My child. My best friend and my lifesaver.

She’s my dog and that dog has kept me from having a single mental health related hospitalization in almost 2 years. That’s The longest I have gone without having a mental health crisis or a suicide attempt in many many years. I have bipolar disorder and OCD that has made my life hell. But when I brought Zoey home at six weeks old two years ago, I not only brought home a puppy, I brought home a lifesaver.

And and now it’s my turn to save her.

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Making Our House Accessible

Thanks to my stepdad, this happened yesterday. We have made our house fully accessible for Zoey now. She is unable to get up or down any steps because of her leg and yesterday she had a little walk around the garden for the first time in 2 weeks. She was beyond excited!

And we are beyond grateful that this was made possible.

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My Baby Is Hurting

I’m heartbroken.

We had another vet appointment today and Zoey, my 2 year old lab, has a torn ACL in her knee and hip dysplasia. She has been prescribed gabapentin for nerve pain. Next step is to get another round of more detailed X-rays next week which she will be sedated for, to determine whether or not surgery to repair the ACL will be possible.

If the report comes back saying that we can’t do surgery because her hip is too bad then her future looks very …. painful. She will be on pain medications and we will use assistive devices like braces to help with her mobility.

But if they tell us that surgery IS possible then we are going for it as soon as possible.

In the meantime my heart and my brain feel like they are crumbling.

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A Late Night Breakdown

3am and I’m still awake. Sitting in the dark with tears streaming down my face, wiping my nose with the back of my hand as I swallow my sobs because I don’t want to wake my husband.

Random irrational thoughts have been intruding my mind for the past 6 hours and I feel like I’m losing control.

So I ate. Chewing and swallowing, never tasting a single bite, putting my focus on what I had in front of me. Shoveling random food items into my mouth and then gulping them down much faster than was necessary, just trying to push these horrible feelings far enough down just so that I could safely make it through the rest of this night.

But it didn’t work.

To the bathroom. With my toothbrush in hand I poke the back of my throat, over and over, harder and faster, again and again…….

Until the only thing left coming out of me is snot and tears. I’m feeling so weak and so … broken.

My husband is still comfortably sleeping, the world is completely oblivious to what I’m going through. My dogs sit on either side of me, wondering why I have interrupted their sleep and why I am so upset.

I contemplate taking something to help me relax. I have a lot of options sitting in my top drawer. My mouth waters. The answer to everything that’s wrong right now. I could make all this shit end … even for a little while.

I’m desperate and so fuckin tired ….

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