Grief Doesn’t Stop 4 Anyone 


I am really miss you this morning, Ashley. I’m sitting here drinking a tea and my heart is aching because I miss you so much. I wish you were alive so you could sit with me right now. My life was so exciting when you were here. My best friend. My soul sister. I feel so empty and alone this morning. 💔

I see your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

I still can’t believe you’re gone

But God knows how much I miss you

And with the hell that I’ve been through

At times I wish I could take your place

Right now I’m wondering, who you’d be today ….

Methadone, Hospitalization and Surgery Are In My Future

Every time I get the injections in my wrist I have a 48 hour recovery. Where my wrist is pretty much unusable. First there is a day of complete numbness and then there is the next day where everything starts to come back to life and with that comes a lot of burning pain but I must say that this afternoon I have been feeling really good. 
But unfortunately my doctor told me that since the last time I saw him there has been some slight nerve damage done in my wrist that is irreversible. 
So what then proceeded to happen was an urgent referral was put in for the surgery that I am dreading so very much. He even went and got the surgeon who will be doing it and brought him back to the OR to meet me right then and there. we talked about a lot of things and have agreed that we will wait until the end of the summer to do the surgery because at least that will let me enjoy the summer without having to go through this lay up time. In the meantime that gives me a chance to figure things out and how this surgery and the recovery period is going to work. 
There are going to be some major medication changes in the future as well. Medication changes where he actually wants me admitted to the hospital in Grandfalls so that I am there under his care. Currently I take a combination of morphine and Percocet on a daily basis. Those medications over the past year have begun to fail me which means that my chronic pain condition has just been progressively getting worse and just basically ruining me from head to toe. He sat with me for a long time during that appointment and he was very understanding and patient and didn’t seem the least bit thrown off by my crying. 
The conclusion? 

Well I don’t know how much you know about methadone but pretty much all I knew of methadone at first was that it is a liquid that the pharmacy gives to recovering drug addicts and that in order to get it these people had to go to the pharmacy every day where the pharmacist gives them a drink of this methadone liquid and then that is their fix for the day. I was not aware that methadone is also used to treat cases of extreme uncontrollable pain conditions that have otherwise failed to respond to even the strongest of painkillers such as morphine. 
So right now my insurance is going through the process of approval and then my doctor wants to admit me to hospital for 3 to 4 nights so that he can take me off the morphine and Percocet and introduce me to the methadone treatments under his care. 
I will have to be monitored very closely during the morphine and Percocet withdrawals and also with the methadone introduction so that they can be sure I don’t have any sort of reaction to it. Especially with me being 45 minutes away from the nearest hospital he does not feel comfortable with me doing this at home on my own. I think I feel a little safer going this route. I trust Dr. Cole because he has been overseeing my pain management for several years now and he knows my situation he knows what works and what doesn’t for me especially with my bipolar disorder and overall mental health and I truly do feel like this dr genuinely wants the best for me. 
I am also very lucky in another way because he is the only doctor in Newfoundland with a license to prescribe this methadone. He said that there are people on waiting lists that wait months and years to get in for an appointment with him but I am very lucky because I am already connected and when I was leaving he put his arm around me as he walked me out and he laughed and said well I guess we are going to be joined at the hip for quite a while my dear. If you continue on with the methadone, then you’re going to be with me for a long time. I laughed and said I have a feeling that my husband is going to be OK with that because when I’m in a lot of pain he suffers just as much. A woman in pain is never a happy woman and I always remind my husband that a happy wife means a happy life so if it means that in order for me to be happy I have to be joined at the hip with you? 

Yeah. I think David will be OK with that. And then Dr Cole walked away laughing his ass off LOL

Just Another Day


I have a protein deficiency. My levels can drop very quickly and unexpectedly. When they do, it sets off my CRPD (Complex Regional Pain Disorder). And sometimes I break out in a rash. The nerve endings beneath my skin throughout my body become so inflamed that, in simple terms, it burns my skin from the inside out. This rash on my neck is actually a burn caused by flaming nerve endings. This disorder is HELL. My body is like an inferno. It creates unbearable pain inside me that often is too much to cope with. Sometimes my extremities become swollen. Some days, like today, I have burning skin. Other days my body is so weak that I can’t function normally. I wake up at night in tears because the blankets covering me hurt so much.


 This what it’s like to have CRPD. There’s no cure. And it’s extremely hard to even get minimal control of the symptoms because this disorder has a mind of its own and can never be predicted. 


But I know that one big trigger for me are drops in my protein levels. So I’m sitting here at the trailer drinking what I consider to be my ‘medicine’ as I patiently go with the flow of life with Complex Regional Pain Disorder.