Fear of Being Alone

I’m scared, ok? I’m scared that one day he’s going to wake up and not love me anymore. I’m scared that he’s going to get sick of my craziness and my need for constant reassurance that he’s not going to leave me. I’m scared that he’s going to get fed up with my mood swings and my panic attacks and my uncontrollable fits of sadness. Mostly I’m just scared that he’s going to see me the way I see myself.

I just really really don’t want him to leave me.

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Don’t Suffer Alone

If you or someone you know is in distress or considering suicide, there are places to turn for support right here in our province, including your doctor or Newfoundland and Labrador’s Mental Health Crisis Centre at (709) 737-4668.

The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website also has information about where to find help.

You NEVER have to struggle alone. Sometimes it’s easier to talk on the phone than it is face to face and that’s why these services are available. You can access them from all over the world, not just in Newfoundland. So if you are struggling, I urge you to take the biggest step of all and break your silence by confiding in someone.

I wish I had known about these services when I was in that dark place. But I’m glad I know now because I can share it with you guys. I hope you all have a safe night 💜

#SuicideHotline #SuicidePrevention #DontSufferAlone #SufferInSilenceNoMore #DepressionHurts #PickUpThePhone #SomeoneIsWaitingToTalkToYou

Forgotten

You know what really sucks? When you have all sorts of hopes and dreams for your life but all it amounts to is ink on paper. I just want to be a part of society, ya know? But instead I feel like I’m the only one in this world. I feel … forgotten.

#RawEmotion #LetsBeReal #heartache

A Late Night Breakdown

3am and I’m still awake. Sitting in the dark with tears streaming down my face, wiping my nose with the back of my hand as I swallow my sobs because I don’t want to wake my husband.

Random irrational thoughts have been intruding my mind for the past 6 hours and I feel like I’m losing control.

So I ate. Chewing and swallowing, never tasting a single bite, putting my focus on what I had in front of me. Shoveling random food items into my mouth and then gulping them down much faster than was necessary, just trying to push these horrible feelings far enough down just so that I could safely make it through the rest of this night.

But it didn’t work.

To the bathroom. With my toothbrush in hand I poke the back of my throat, over and over, harder and faster, again and again…….

Until the only thing left coming out of me is snot and tears. I’m feeling so weak and so … broken.

My husband is still comfortably sleeping, the world is completely oblivious to what I’m going through. My dogs sit on either side of me, wondering why I have interrupted their sleep and why I am so upset.

I contemplate taking something to help me relax. I have a lot of options sitting in my top drawer. My mouth waters. The answer to everything that’s wrong right now. I could make all this shit end … even for a little while.

I’m desperate and so fuckin tired ….

Feeling Useless

Dear healthy people,

Not being able to work because of chronic pain is no holiday.

Let’s trade places so I can be tired of working instead of being tired of fighting with my painful body, feelings of uselessness and the lack of desperately needed income.

Haunting Thoughts

Sometimes, late at night when I can’t sleep, I sneak out of bed, making sure not to wake my husband or to stir the sleeping dogs, I go to the living room and take refuge in the darkness and sit on the couch with my favourite blanket. That way I can be alone as I try to figure out why I have these thoughts running through my head. I look at my thighs and my ankles and my stomach and my wrist and I picture thin lines of bright red blood oozing out of my skin. I feel the warmth of the blood as it bubbles up and then runs down my arm …….

I look around me. I am surrounded by wonderful things. My sleeping husband. precious dogs. Yet this darkness around me right now is deafening. The heaviness I feel weighing down on my chest makes it hurt to breathe.

I hate when this happens.

Get Me Out Of Here 

I’ve just about had all I can take. My anxiety is at its max. My brain won’t even cooperate with me. My body … won’t even go there. Tomorrow is moving day. It will be our first night in our new home. I just wish I was in a better state so that I could fully enjoy this moment. But no. 

I’m scared. What if this was a bad decision? What if something happens to David during one of his commutes back and forth to work? I’m too young to be a widow. He is my life. I would never survive if something was to happen to him. 

I’m tired. I haven’t had a proper nights sleep in weeks. 

I hurt. I’m trying so hard to complete all of the last minute packing tonight but my body is screaming at me. My back feels like it is full of daggers. My shoulder is on fire. Stress is a major trigger for chronic pain and it also increases the intensity of the phantom pain that I experience in the shoulder where I had my arm amputated. Liquid fire in my veins. That’s the description that comes to mind. 

And I am angry. I have been 2 days reaching out for help. I can’t do any lifting. Not with one arm. At least not boxes. And David is just one person. Working full time. How the heck are we supposed to move from our 3rd floor apartment here to a new town 30 minutes away without any help?! Where are all of those people who keep telling me that if I am ever in need of a helping hand that all I have to do is ask?! Funny isn’t it? Suddenly we are in a town where not one single person can spare an hour tomorrow morning to come by and grab a box or 2 and carry it downstairs to the moving truck. Not one single person. TWO DAYS I have been asking around for help. But yet here we both are. On our own. 

How’s that for a nice confidence and self worth boost?