Yesterday was one of the most intense days I’ve ever had. My entire afternoon was spent with a psychiatrist and my psychologist. I didn’t get out until after 5:30pm. They have started working on some trauma therapy with me recently because apparently the presence of Complex PTSD has become very clear during my counseling appointments.
Blanking out/dissociation, which I was not even aware of, plus several other things that have happened, has led them to switch the DBT to Trauma therapy. And I fell apart at the seams yesterday. Now, for safety, since things are surfacing and I’m having it freshly opened up every week, they have asked my husband to remove all medications so that they aren’t accessible to me. I am furious over this. I do not think its necessary that they have involved him. My husband and I have an incredibly close relationship and I want to be able to open up with him at my own pace. Mind you, nothing was disclosed to him but obviously he knows that something big has been going on for them to request this. He has been looking at me alot all evening and I think he’s waiting for me to tell him what’s going through my mind. But I’m in no place to talk out loud about anything else today.
So anyway before he went to work this morning he handed me my meds for the day. I had to bite my tongue because it’s not his fault. He’s just following a doctor’s order. Yet it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel so incompetent as a human being.
Moving on. After I got home yesterday I spent the evening wearing 2 shirts and wrapped up in 3 blankets because I felt stripped and vulnerable and it was one of the harshest things I’ve ever ever felt. My phone wasn’t touched until I took the blankets and hoodies off this morning and my phone rarely goes more than an hour without being picked up.
My friend was talking to me this morning about dealing with a lot of changes. I hear ya. I feel in some ways that the changes in my therapy lately has been changing everything else in my life. Right down to the clothes I wear.
But they are promising me that even though things might be even harder as we go further in depth, I will be so grateful later on because they feel that I have so much trauma that has never truly been processed, many of my actions, behaviors and thoughts have been tainted and that I am always in defense mode. Always suspicious, unable to trust, unable to rest, or relax, or even truly have fun with things that I like.
I’m punishing myself in ways I have not even been aware of. And even though I don’t be going around thinking about any aspects of the various traumatic events in my life, they told me that I have been shaped by it all. Dbt is not going to work for me.
Ive only been in counseling for the past 6 months and during that time she has seen things and learned about my ways of thinking and even just my behaviour in the sessions and has concluded that that following a DBT style of therapy will not be the best choice for me. (She’s obviously very good at reading people far beyond the words they speak, like body language, expression, and even the things I wear and how my choices in makeup change with my moods!)
So here I am today, still feeling that heavy, large sweaters are necessary because I feel so …. exposed.
Should I expect to feel like this every week, now that I’m going to be involved in trauma therapy?! I’m starting to have second thoughts ….