Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure and having no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hating to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything, then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb.

If the mountain seems too big today then climb a hill instead.

If the morning brings you sadness it’s ok to stay in bed.

If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there’s no shame in rearranging, don’t make yourself feel worse.

If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you’ll drown, if you haven’t washed your hair for days, don’t throw away your crown.

A day is not a lifetime a rest is not defeat, don’t think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat.

It’s ok to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind, the world will not stop turning while you get realigned.

The mountain will still be there when you want to try again, you can climb it in your own time, just love yourself till then.

You’re Present Doesn’t Define You

You are not your tear stained face.
You are not the dirt and sweat that trickles down your back.
You are not the stares of those who do not understand your journey.
You are not the sobs you cry in the middle of the night.
You are not the loneliness that plagues and haunts you.
You are not a pauper because you have had to receive help from others.
You are not the reckless and painful words that others pierced your broken heart with.

You are not the shame and embarrassment you feel.
You are not the crisis you daily try to overcome.
You are not the scars that you wear from a broken heart.
You are not the foreigner you feel like…like the one who doesn’t belong.
You are not the humbled places you are living and dwelling now.
You are not the rejection and abandonment you have experienced.
You are not the burden you feel you always carry.

You are not the loss of everything that was ripped and stolen from you.
You are not hopeless like the circumstances tell you.
You are not unlovely or less than beautiful just because your pain is in your eyes and your troubles have made the wrinkles around them.
You are not forgotten like the love you once had from someone.

But you are the tender and sweet spirit that came from your pain.
You are the strength you never knew you had.
You are the courageous one that gets up everyday.
You are the soul that reaches her hand to help others.
You are the brave smile you show even when you desire to cry.

You are the one who fights for and reaches to keep hope alive.
You are the one who has been loyal and faithful to God even in the midst of adversities.
You are the one who keeps believing for better and brighter days.
You are the one whose beauty and essence has been formed by your crushed petals…Yet your bruising has been your sweetest perfume.

You are the attitude of perseverance.
You are the kindred heart that embraces others who are hurting too.
You are the one who has gleaned great wisdom from your mistakes.
You are the one who doesn’t have to show herself off- your heart and character already do.
You are the one who has walked closely with your Poppa God. He has been your best friend, confident and strength.

You are the one who has gained great treasures through this season.
You are the one who has worked in fields of GRACE.
You are the one whose walked the road of tears that will eventually turn to songs of joy.
You are the one who is soon being embraced, celebrated and covered.
You are the one who has been so strong to let go of her losses so she will gain her divine destiny.
You are beautiful, loyal, and known to be faithful and true.
You are…

Extremes

I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.

I Can’t Keep Up, But I Won’t Stop

My days often go by very slow. It takes me a long time to do things. And this makes me feel less valuable in this world. I can’t “keep up.”

I grieve. There is very real loss in this. This world’s value system discards those who can’t keep up, can’t produce, can’t be productive, can’t offer anything useful. There is such a great loss.

But I have decided I am good with letting this go. I am okay with this.
And that there is even great relief in this. Because it is my life and I want to be here for it. Just as it is. In reality. Not as I am told it should be, but as it truly is lived.

With all its wounds and rough patches. With the vacuum cleaner that is falling apart and the notebooks that are scattered around most every surface full of hopes and broken dreams and pages of lists full of things I need to do that often get pushed aside when the mood strikes to throw a kitchen party and the volume is set to maximum and me and my dogs dance and sing as if no one is watching.

My days, with these very slow stretches of time through more hours of darkness than light, and the increasing coldness which brings with it a deep, crushing bone pain.

In these times and days when everything can hurt and when the world is freezing and they demand we give everything, it is useful to just breathe. And go slow. One thing at a time. And another. Then another. Slow enough to feel your own heart beating.

Yes, I am slow. I can’t always keep up and I sometimes don’t get things finished in time. I often feel useless and of no value. This is my reality. And I will continue to be here for it, one breath at a time.

******************

Bipolar Wins Again

I cancelled a very important appointment today. The waiting period for a spinal MRI is quite long. I should be ever so grateful for it. And I am. I really am grateful! But no. I cancelled it.

Me – 0

Bipolar – 5,623,790

Preventing Nighttime Berating

It has been a surprisingly good day today. When I got up with hubby at 6am to keep him company while he got ready for work I was feeling wide awake so rather than go back to bed and sleep until noon like I always do, I stayed up.

It turned into a self care day. Gave myself pedicures. I filed my feet really good so they feel nice and soft now. And I moisturized with Dove baby lotion. My favorite!! I also put a few pink highlights in my hair. Watched a few of my favorite shows. Listened to music and had a dance party with the dogs. Did some gardening. Mixed up some liquid fertilizer and fed all my indoor plants. Cooked supper and fed David. Then sat down and fed the dogs.

So after everything and everyone was happy and fed I cleaned up the kitchen and then sat and made chore list. I listed every room in the house and then for each room I listed each individual cleaning task that needs to be done. It will help me stay on top of things without getting too obsessed with it.

Each weekday I will do one room. I’ll check off the tasks on my list and it should help me feel accomplished. Rather than doing random things all through the house and neither room really getting fully cleaned.

It’s a way for me to prevent the compulsive thoughts from driving me over the edge and making every night a sleepless one, where I lie awake in the dark, berating myself for not finishing the bathroom.

Its really frustrating to be inside my head sometimes.

Having To Break Through Rocks

Just feel like venting. My chest is heavy. I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

Why am I so lazy?

Well, it’s not lazy. Lazy is when you shrug things off because you just don’t give a damn. When you’re curled up on your couch, on your bed, alone and desperately wishing that you had your life in order, that you did all the things you had to do, that it didn’t feel like breaking through rocks just to feed and clothe yourself and get some sleep, that’s not lazy. People don’t understand. You tell them it’s hard and they tell you, no it isn’t. You start to wonder if maybe they are right. Is breaking through these rocks easy for everyone else? Are they that much stronger than me?

They don’t look like they’re struggling.

Just try harder they say.

But I am trying!!!!

It’s just not working.

Breaking boulders in my path until I’m worn out isn’t lazy. And I do it day after day after day after day after day. I’m not lazy. Most people don’t have those rocks to break. They don’t even know what it’s like to have to break through rocks to get things done. They don’t understand how hard I have to work and how hopeless I feel when I try and try and try and only fail to do what other people seem to do so freaking easily. Things are harder for me. They really are. And if those people had to deal with my problems, they wouldn’t be able to do any better than I am doing.

I’m not lazy.

I’m not weak.

I’m fighting hard. Damn it!!

I’m fighting harder than ever before.

And I guess I just wanted you to know that today.