I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.
My days often go by very slow. It takes me a long time to do things. And this makes me feel less valuable in this world. I can’t “keep up.”
I grieve. There is very real loss in this. This world’s value system discards those who can’t keep up, can’t produce, can’t be productive, can’t offer anything useful. There is such a great loss.
But I have decided I am good with letting this go. I am okay with this.
And that there is even great relief in this. Because it is my life and I want to be here for it. Just as it is. In reality. Not as I am told it should be, but as it truly is lived.
With all its wounds and rough patches. With the vacuum cleaner that is falling apart and the notebooks that are scattered around most every surface full of hopes and broken dreams and pages of lists full of things I need to do that often get pushed aside when the mood strikes to throw a kitchen party and the volume is set to maximum and me and my dogs dance and sing as if no one is watching.
My days, with these very slow stretches of time through more hours of darkness than light, and the increasing coldness which brings with it a deep, crushing bone pain.
In these times and days when everything can hurt and when the world is freezing and they demand we give everything, it is useful to just breathe. And go slow. One thing at a time. And another. Then another. Slow enough to feel your own heart beating.
Yes, I am slow. I can’t always keep up and I sometimes don’t get things finished in time. I often feel useless and of no value. This is my reality. And I will continue to be here for it, one breath at a time.
I cancelled a very important appointment today. The waiting period for a spinal MRI is quite long. I should be ever so grateful for it. And I am. I really am grateful! But no. I cancelled it.
Me – 0
Bipolar – 5,623,790
It has been a surprisingly good day today. When I got up with hubby at 6am to keep him company while he got ready for work I was feeling wide awake so rather than go back to bed and sleep until noon like I always do, I stayed up.
It turned into a self care day. Gave myself pedicures. I filed my feet really good so they feel nice and soft now. And I moisturized with Dove baby lotion. My favorite!! I also put a few pink highlights in my hair. Watched a few of my favorite shows. Listened to music and had a dance party with the dogs. Did some gardening. Mixed up some liquid fertilizer and fed all my indoor plants. Cooked supper and fed David. Then sat down and fed the dogs.
So after everything and everyone was happy and fed I cleaned up the kitchen and then sat and made chore list. I listed every room in the house and then for each room I listed each individual cleaning task that needs to be done. It will help me stay on top of things without getting too obsessed with it.
Each weekday I will do one room. I’ll check off the tasks on my list and it should help me feel accomplished. Rather than doing random things all through the house and neither room really getting fully cleaned.
It’s a way for me to prevent the compulsive thoughts from driving me over the edge and making every night a sleepless one, where I lie awake in the dark, berating myself for not finishing the bathroom.
Its really frustrating to be inside my head sometimes.
Just feel like venting. My chest is heavy. I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted.
Why am I so lazy?
Well, it’s not lazy. Lazy is when you shrug things off because you just don’t give a damn. When you’re curled up on your couch, on your bed, alone and desperately wishing that you had your life in order, that you did all the things you had to do, that it didn’t feel like breaking through rocks just to feed and clothe yourself and get some sleep, that’s not lazy. People don’t understand. You tell them it’s hard and they tell you, no it isn’t. You start to wonder if maybe they are right. Is breaking through these rocks easy for everyone else? Are they that much stronger than me?
They don’t look like they’re struggling.
Just try harder they say.
But I am trying!!!!
It’s just not working.
Breaking boulders in my path until I’m worn out isn’t lazy. And I do it day after day after day after day after day. I’m not lazy. Most people don’t have those rocks to break. They don’t even know what it’s like to have to break through rocks to get things done. They don’t understand how hard I have to work and how hopeless I feel when I try and try and try and only fail to do what other people seem to do so freaking easily. Things are harder for me. They really are. And if those people had to deal with my problems, they wouldn’t be able to do any better than I am doing.
I’m not lazy.
I’m not weak.
I’m fighting hard. Damn it!!
I’m fighting harder than ever before.
And I guess I just wanted you to know that today.
My day? Not too good. I haven’t gotten out of bed other than to pee and feed the puppers. I’m in excruciating pain in all my joints. The soles of my feet and the front of the legs are crimson red and hot and the blankets even hurt me. Having a flare up of CRPS. Not fun.