Extremes

I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.

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I Will Destroy You

“I destroy homes, tear families apart – take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold – the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome – try me you’ll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You’ll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.

You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side.

You’ll give up everything – your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take, till you have nothing more to give.

When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game. 
If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body,  I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you’ll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.

You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.

If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave.
I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.”

Signed,
DRUGS

Preventing Nighttime Berating

It has been a surprisingly good day today. When I got up with hubby at 6am to keep him company while he got ready for work I was feeling wide awake so rather than go back to bed and sleep until noon like I always do, I stayed up.

It turned into a self care day. Gave myself pedicures. I filed my feet really good so they feel nice and soft now. And I moisturized with Dove baby lotion. My favorite!! I also put a few pink highlights in my hair. Watched a few of my favorite shows. Listened to music and had a dance party with the dogs. Did some gardening. Mixed up some liquid fertilizer and fed all my indoor plants. Cooked supper and fed David. Then sat down and fed the dogs.

So after everything and everyone was happy and fed I cleaned up the kitchen and then sat and made chore list. I listed every room in the house and then for each room I listed each individual cleaning task that needs to be done. It will help me stay on top of things without getting too obsessed with it.

Each weekday I will do one room. I’ll check off the tasks on my list and it should help me feel accomplished. Rather than doing random things all through the house and neither room really getting fully cleaned.

It’s a way for me to prevent the compulsive thoughts from driving me over the edge and making every night a sleepless one, where I lie awake in the dark, berating myself for not finishing the bathroom.

Its really frustrating to be inside my head sometimes.

Don’t Suffer Alone

If you or someone you know is in distress or considering suicide, there are places to turn for support right here in our province, including your doctor or Newfoundland and Labrador’s Mental Health Crisis Centre at (709) 737-4668.

The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website also has information about where to find help.

You NEVER have to struggle alone. Sometimes it’s easier to talk on the phone than it is face to face and that’s why these services are available. You can access them from all over the world, not just in Newfoundland. So if you are struggling, I urge you to take the biggest step of all and break your silence by confiding in someone.

I wish I had known about these services when I was in that dark place. But I’m glad I know now because I can share it with you guys. I hope you all have a safe night 💜

#SuicideHotline #SuicidePrevention #DontSufferAlone #SufferInSilenceNoMore #DepressionHurts #PickUpThePhone #SomeoneIsWaitingToTalkToYou

Planning Around The Pain

I kinda had a meltdown last night. My pain was so bad. We went to bed and we were talking about our plans for today. Said we would go to church this morning, go to gander and check out the derby for a bit but not stay for the full thing, pick up my morphine at the pharmacy which is due today, and go to church again tonight.

I went to turn over in bed and I hurt so much that I started to cry. It was an ugly cry. Sobbing. Snot. Tears. Hyperventilating. I know that it was going to happen sooner or later because things have just been building up. I feel so guilty because David is on holidays and I know I am holding him back from doing things.

Anyways we had a chat and he massaged my back and we decided no church this morning. Instead I slept in. Now he’s gone to Gander to get my pills and he’s gone to the derby by himself. It took a lot of convincing because he refused to go without me but it makes me feel much better knowing that he’s gone to do something. We do every single thing together. He never has any time without me and I think that individual time is really important. We have a very dependent relationship. It’s like we can’t be on our own without feeling incredible guilt. So I think it’s good that he’s doing something without me.

He’s going to be home in time for supper and then we will go to this evening’s church service. While he’s gone I’m going to relax and have a hot shower, to help loosen the sore muscles all over my body. In order to go to church I need the entire day to prepare.

That’s what it’s like living with CRPS.

You plan around the pain.

Note to self: You don’t have to take this day all at once. But rather one step, one breath, one moment at a time. I will be satisfied with every little thing I do today because I know how much strength it took.

The Demon Has Made An Appearance

The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.

Bipolar disorder is hard.

I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.

Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.

If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.

Forgotten

You know what really sucks? When you have all sorts of hopes and dreams for your life but all it amounts to is ink on paper. I just want to be a part of society, ya know? But instead I feel like I’m the only one in this world. I feel … forgotten.

#RawEmotion #LetsBeReal #heartache