I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.
“I destroy homes, tear families apart – take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold – the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome – try me you’ll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You’ll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.
You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side.
You’ll give up everything – your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body, I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you’ll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave.
I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.”
It has been a surprisingly good day today. When I got up with hubby at 6am to keep him company while he got ready for work I was feeling wide awake so rather than go back to bed and sleep until noon like I always do, I stayed up.
It turned into a self care day. Gave myself pedicures. I filed my feet really good so they feel nice and soft now. And I moisturized with Dove baby lotion. My favorite!! I also put a few pink highlights in my hair. Watched a few of my favorite shows. Listened to music and had a dance party with the dogs. Did some gardening. Mixed up some liquid fertilizer and fed all my indoor plants. Cooked supper and fed David. Then sat down and fed the dogs.
So after everything and everyone was happy and fed I cleaned up the kitchen and then sat and made chore list. I listed every room in the house and then for each room I listed each individual cleaning task that needs to be done. It will help me stay on top of things without getting too obsessed with it.
Each weekday I will do one room. I’ll check off the tasks on my list and it should help me feel accomplished. Rather than doing random things all through the house and neither room really getting fully cleaned.
It’s a way for me to prevent the compulsive thoughts from driving me over the edge and making every night a sleepless one, where I lie awake in the dark, berating myself for not finishing the bathroom.
Its really frustrating to be inside my head sometimes.
If you or someone you know is in distress or considering suicide, there are places to turn for support right here in our province, including your doctor or Newfoundland and Labrador’s Mental Health Crisis Centre at (709) 737-4668.
The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website also has information about where to find help.
You NEVER have to struggle alone. Sometimes it’s easier to talk on the phone than it is face to face and that’s why these services are available. You can access them from all over the world, not just in Newfoundland. So if you are struggling, I urge you to take the biggest step of all and break your silence by confiding in someone.
I wish I had known about these services when I was in that dark place. But I’m glad I know now because I can share it with you guys. I hope you all have a safe night 💜
#SuicideHotline #SuicidePrevention #DontSufferAlone #SufferInSilenceNoMore #DepressionHurts #PickUpThePhone #SomeoneIsWaitingToTalkToYou
I kinda had a meltdown last night. My pain was so bad. We went to bed and we were talking about our plans for today. Said we would go to church this morning, go to gander and check out the derby for a bit but not stay for the full thing, pick up my morphine at the pharmacy which is due today, and go to church again tonight.
I went to turn over in bed and I hurt so much that I started to cry. It was an ugly cry. Sobbing. Snot. Tears. Hyperventilating. I know that it was going to happen sooner or later because things have just been building up. I feel so guilty because David is on holidays and I know I am holding him back from doing things.
Anyways we had a chat and he massaged my back and we decided no church this morning. Instead I slept in. Now he’s gone to Gander to get my pills and he’s gone to the derby by himself. It took a lot of convincing because he refused to go without me but it makes me feel much better knowing that he’s gone to do something. We do every single thing together. He never has any time without me and I think that individual time is really important. We have a very dependent relationship. It’s like we can’t be on our own without feeling incredible guilt. So I think it’s good that he’s doing something without me.
He’s going to be home in time for supper and then we will go to this evening’s church service. While he’s gone I’m going to relax and have a hot shower, to help loosen the sore muscles all over my body. In order to go to church I need the entire day to prepare.
That’s what it’s like living with CRPS.
You plan around the pain.
Note to self: You don’t have to take this day all at once. But rather one step, one breath, one moment at a time. I will be satisfied with every little thing I do today because I know how much strength it took.
The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.
Bipolar disorder is hard.
I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.
Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.
If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.
You know what really sucks? When you have all sorts of hopes and dreams for your life but all it amounts to is ink on paper. I just want to be a part of society, ya know? But instead I feel like I’m the only one in this world. I feel … forgotten.
#RawEmotion #LetsBeReal #heartache
I wish someone would come clean my House because quite frankly, I’m sick of it. And I’m too depressed. I’m tired and have no energy whatsoever. I have lost all desire to do anything that requires me to move. Things need to be picked up and put away and wiped off and folded and organized and freshened.
Don’t get me wrong, my house isn’t overly dirty. It’s just … untidy. I’d like to have it dusted right through and then the floors mopped. You could also clean the windows in my porch door because it’s full of my dogs’ nose prints and slobber. Oh and my toilet needs to be cleaned and the dishwasher unloaded. I think my plants need to be watered as well.
Being an amputee has never stopped me from doing my house work. Every day I do a bit. Some days more than others. But the past couple of days I’ve had to sit, cry, then lecture myself, cry some more and then encourage myself the whole way through. It takes me a long time to get simple tasks done because every five minutes I end up sitting down just so I can breathe through the anxiety.
Living with bipolar disorder is hard. Especially when I find myself on the low end like I am right now. When I go through periods of stability I don’t have a problem with being bipolar. If I am stable and not experiencing any symptoms then sure, I’m OK with being bipolar. Why wouldn’t I be? But put me in a place like this and I have to change my mind.
It’s almost impossible to live a productive life like this. I mean, I can’t even unload the dishwasher without having to plan for it. When I wake up in the morning I have to figure out what needs to be done that day and right now if I tell myself that I have to unload the dishwasher then all of a sudden everything just becomes too much.
It’s a five minute job for gods sake. Why on earth is it so hard for me to take a few plates and put them up in the cupboard??? And why do I have to cry over it??
I cry because that’s how badly I don’t want to do it. And this goes for
that I have to do in the run of a day.
Even breathing is too much …
February 15th, 2018 Day 11 – Morning Its so nice to see the sun shining today. It’s an instant mood booster. It was also really nice to be able to take Zoey outside to do her pee and not be standing next to her, shivering in my boots. The cold temperatures these past few days have actually been painful. I think Zoey is finding this nice switch in weather encouraging as well because she ate a decent sized breakfast and drank a half a cup of water without me having to push her. I couldn’t help but sigh with relief. It’s not easy trying to force a dog to eat! We walked all around the garden and I’m pretty sure she had to stop and sniff after every couple of steps. When we got back inside she just collapsed on the porch mat. Her strength comes in bursts and doesn’t last long so sometimes she isn’t able to got any further than the porch so I let her rest for a while before walking her back to her bed in the living room where she’s now sound asleep. And since Buddy is also curled up napping I think I just might take advantage of this and take a nap myself.
February 15th, 2018 Day 11 – Afternoon Zoey had 30 minutes of ‘freedom’ today. I clipped her leash on and let her sit outside since it was so beautiful out. But I’m really regretting it because she got chilled. I guess with her fur being shaved and the fact she was lying on the bridge without a blanket, she got cold. I really didn’t think it was cold enough to be concerned but I was obviously very wrong. After she came in and was back on her bed her entire body began to shiver. I wrapped her up in a big fleece blanket and she immediately started to pant. I got down on the floor with her and held her as her entire body was having spasms. Of course I panicked and started crying because I felt so guilty. I had caused this to happen. I should never have let her spend that half hour lying on the patio. She’s not up to that yet. I should have known the difference!! I let a bit of sunshine go to my head. The shivering caused full body muscle spasms and it was painful, which caused the panting. Dogs pant for many different reasons and anxiety and pain are among the top ones. Which is why Zoey was shivering and panting at the same time. It was actually painful for me to watch it and knowing that it could have easily been avoided has made me feel like the worst dog mom out there. After being wrapped in the blanket and me rocking her in my arms for a while she relaxed and fell asleep. *sigh*
February 16th, 2018 Day 12 Not the best of days by any means. Zoey decided to go into full blown starvation mode and refused any and every ounce of both solid food and liquids. I had calls with an on call emergency vet from the VSCNL hospital as well as with the Gander veterinarian. If her intake doesn’t improve over the weekend she may be admitted to be hooked up to an IV. She has had 2 episodes in the last 2 days that has scared me so much that I’ve got myself convinced that she’s dying. She starts shivering so I cover her up and then she starts panting, as her entire body continues to spasm. I’m so scared at this point that I’m afraid to fall asleep because I don’t want her to die alone. I hope im overreacting …. ? Her sugars may be dropping from the lack of steady nutrition. Panting is also a sign of pain so the shivering may be painful for her which is why she pants at the same time. We also discovered a couple of reddened areas which are of concern so that’s something else we have to keep a close eye on now. Thankfully I did manage to get some food into her by supper time. Chicken broth and water (half and half) poured over some shredded chicken. All together she’s had 2 cups of fluid. Not as much as I want her to have but it’s better than nothing. I’m concerned that she’s getting depressed now too. She reminds me of eyeore. Even the way she walks is similar. She’s bored. You would be too if you were lying down all day long for 12 days straight! I’ve tried to get her to chew on bones but she turns her head. Buddy brought her a toy this evening and laid down in front of her and it broke my heart. He looked back at me as if to say “Mommy why won’t sissy play with me?” Seriously. I don’t know how much more my heart can take.
February 17th, 2018 Day 13 Today was a good day. Zoey still needed a lot of encouragement but finally managed to eat a bowl of chicken broth, water and pedialyte with shredded chicken and a spoonful of rice added to it. And we discovered that in the midst of the excitement of playing in the snow she was willing to eat a pocket full of dry kibble with no hesitation. If I have to take her outside to feed her then so be it! She was also the most relaxed I’ve seen her yet. While lying on her bed this afternoon she turned on her side and actually stretched her legs out. Big step towards her recovery!
February 18th 2018 Day 14 David was off today so it was really nice to have him home all day. Zoey loved having her daddy home. They even had a nice nap together on the living room floor. One of my favorite sounds ever is of Zoey snoring. It warms my heart because I know she’s resting and she’s content. She ate dog food for her dinner. Her regular kibble that she hasn’t eaten in a long time. And she actually seemed to enjoy it! Except she threw up afterwards. I’m guessing that it’s because she hasn’t been eating much solid food and it may have been too heavy on her stomach. She took her Tramadol (pain medication) wrapped in a piece of cheese without any hesitation. She has always loved cheese and thankfully she still does because it’s great for wrapping her pills in. Zoey has been doing really well on her legs. She can stand up from a lying position without having to be lifted by the harness. At first she had to be lifted up and then held in order to walk but now she can walk alongside of me with having to be supported. I take her for walks out around the yard and she’s doing fantastic. She walks very carefully because she’s still really unsteady but her tail wags like crazy with every step she makes. She often looks up at me looking for that bit of reassurance and when I smile at her and say “good girl” she looks so proud of herself. And so she should! She has so much to be proud of! She has suffered and survived so much pain in the past 2 weeks. She is doing amazing despite how awful she feels. And I am beyond proud of her. She’s mom’s girl!
February 19th, 2018 Day 15 Zoey continues to amaze me every single day. She continues to get stronger with each passing day. There is no doubt in my mind that this surgery was a success because she is already walking better than what she did before having this done. Her limp is completely gone. She is still very weak and her legs shake when squatting down to do her pee but thanks to her harness we are able to hold on to her so that she has that security in knowing we won’t let her fall. I’m glad Zoey feels safe with me. I’m glad that she feels secure and trusts that I won’t let her fall. I want my dogs to know that I will always protect them and that they can always lean on me whenever they are scared. Buddy has been very confused about everything that’s going on. He doesn’t understand why we are doting on Zoey so much. Why we often have to push him away when he tries to get Zoey to get up and play with him. How do you explain something like this to a dog?? God knows I’ve tried. If you only knew how much I have talked to both of my dogs during these past few weeks. I’ve sat with Buddy on my lap and as I scratch his ears and he stares at me I tell him things. I tell him how incredibly proud of how well he has behaved lately. I tell him that sissy is sick but she’s going to get better really soon and they are going to have so much fun this summer. And I swear, as Buddy listens, he is understanding. Intelligent would be an understatement in describing Buddy. Same with Zoey. She wants so bad to get up and go. She wants to jump up on the couch. And having to say no to her is so hard because she wears her emotions on her face. She is the saddest looking dog I’ve ever seen. Her eyes tell it all. But I talk to her. I tell her everything that happened in the hospital and what Dr. Bailey did to her legs. I tell her that all the pain she is in now is going to go away. And when it does she’s going to feel better than she has in a very long time. And that I am going to fill the backyard with more balls than she has ever seen before for her and Buddy to run around and play with. Then I smother her with kisses. Yes. This has been one hard road. But to be able to get to a place where my girl can walk and run and play again … that is our ultimate goal for Zoey’s Journey.
February 20th, 2018 Day 16 It was 2 weeks ago today that Zoey had Bilateral TPLO surgery and we had her in to the vet for a check up today. Dr. Goucie was very impressed with her current state. She said that many patients that come in for their two week check up and end up going home with her antibiotics and have to get some extra tests done because they aren’t healing properly. She said that many dogs that have this surgery, especially when it’s done on both legs at the same time, usually have some sort of complication along the way. She said that she has seen very few incidents where a dog gets this surgery and are able to make it through eight weeks of recovery without having some sort of bumps along the way. She was very pleased with how Zoey was able to stand in one spot for a minute without her legs giving out on her. Zoey’s ability to go from a sitting position to standing position without having to be lifted is an amazing accomplishment for the two week mark. Her fur is growing at a healthy right and all of the itching that she is currently experiencing is quite normal because as the hair grows it’s irritating her. Her ears look great. Her eyes are slightly bloodshot, which is due to her crying. Her teeth look fine and the colour of her gums is nice and pink, showing that she is not overly dehydrated. Her nose is also a healthy color.Dr. Goucie was sitting on the floor with Zoey while we were chatting and Zoey sat in an upright position almost the entire time. That is huge because it’s a position that puts more strain on her legs but yet that’s the position she chose. After about 5 minutes she laid down and the dr. looked at us and smiled because she lasted five minutes sitting up on her own. Then as we kept talking the doctor was massaging Zoey’s legs and she was pushing and pulling and examining her incisions and Zoey just laid there, letting her do it all, without showing any signs of frustration. Before getting the surgery, Zoey had to be sedated in order to be examined because she would not let anyone go near her legs. But now here she is two weeks after a major surgery, with big incisions running down each leg, yet she just lay there and let the doctor poke at her. Nothing in the world could ever made me feel any prouder than I did this morning sitting in that veterinarians office. She asked us how we were coping with it all and she shook her head and said that it looks like we are taking it harder than Zoe is. And she said that many times this is what happens. The owners suffer more than the pets do. She told us that we had to take care of ourselves and she told us that we are doing a fantastic job. She said that the proof that you are doing a great job is lying right there at your feet. She said that despite the struggles that we still have with her eating and drinking, being up all night crying, the episodes of panting and anxiety during the day, etc. We are at a place that is perfect for two weeks post op. So we left with an increase in pain medication, and 20 day supply of a probiotic to help her with some stomach issues, and another appointment to go back to get X-rays (which requires sedation). So needless to say we are really pleased here tonight.
February 10th, 2018 Day 6
She pooped!! After 6 days she finally pooped!! I’ve never been so happy to see dog poop before!!
February 11th, 2018 Day 7 – Morning
I’m worried. Zoey has developed a bit of a cough now. I know that sometimes there is some throat irritation from the tubes and the anesthetic and it’s not uncommon for them to have a sore throat and a slight cough for the first couple of days after surgery. But it doesn’t seem to be going away and this morning when she coughed it sounded like it was coming straight from her lungs. You know how a person sounds when they have pneumonia and the cough is kind of loose and sort of raspy? That’s what it sounded like. So today that will be the main thing to be monitored because the last thing we want is for her to have some sort of chest infection now. Last Night was the first night that she has slept straight through without waking up crying. She slept right up until it was time for 7 AM medications. It’s ironic because the more she slept the less comfortable David and I were. I don’t know how many times last night that David whispered to me ‘is she ok?’ or how many times I leaned over the bed to check on her, to see if she was comfortable, even to just make sure she was breathing. I honestly think I am more tired today than ever. This whole experience is extremely emotional for us and it’s amazing how emotions can drain you so much physically. I am also missing buddy to the point where I cried to my mom for an hour on the phone. The house is so quiet without him and I know Zoey misses her brother too. I think it would feel a bit more normal around here if he was here. But we are so hesitant to bring him home just yet because he is very hyper and he loves her so much and they are always so close, like licking each other and sleeping in the same bed with each other and so on. Trying to protect her has meant that buddy has had to stay on vacation for a few extra days. It’s causing me a lot of guilt because I feel that I’m home now and I should be able to take care of them both. We are going to give it a try this afternoon and bring buddy home for a few hours. If they get along really good and he doesn’t pick at her or give us any reason to be worried that he’ll accidentally hurt her then he is home to stay! But if we are worried then we are going to have him spend another night at mom’s. My biggest update though is that Zoey had a perfect round of exercises with her Daddy this morning!! Lots of icing before and after and she did exactly 15 perfect reps of her range of motion stretches!! On #15 she growled. Enough of that she said! It was such an amazing achievement. Proud parents here now!
February 11th, 2018 Day 7 – Night
We are so tired and worn out. My reminder alarm is going off all day long. Food time. Medication time. Icing time. Exercise time. Time to walk her. Take her to Pee. Cooking chicken. Forcing her to eat the chicken. And she doesn’t want me to leave her side. I go to the bathroom and she’s out in her bed crying because she can’t see me. David is home from work now and while he does her exercises I’m going to hide out in the shower until the water runs cold. And then I’m going to bed so I can get off and do it all over again tomorrow.
February 12, 2018 Day 8 – Morning
Zoey had a terrible night. Upset tummy. Coughing. Gagging. And hours of crying. Her pills are hurting her stomach because we can’t get enough food into her to prevent it. She’s tolerating small random bites of whatever we can get her to eat. Can food. Kibble. Peanut butter. Cheese. Chicken. A couple bites at a time is all she will take. I think the stretch of time from her 10pm pain medication until her 7am dose is too long because it seems that she’s waking at the same time every night. 4 AM. And from 4 AM till she gets her morning dose she is in constant agony and then after her 7 AM pills she just collapses and falls asleep. It’s draining the life out of us all. David is having sleepless nights, getting up and driving to work, gone 10 hours a day. Then he’s getting home and dives right in to do rehab exercises with Zoey which takes about an hour with the icing and all. Then it’s force feeding so we can get meds in her for 10pm. I’m worried that he’s going to crash and burn. I’m trying to keep him strong, keep Zoey on track, give attention to Buddy, keep the house clean and just prevent everything from crashing down around me but I’m scared that I might end up failing. I actually forgot to eat supper yesterday and I woke at 2am with hunger pains so I made myself a sandwich and ate it in the dark. I need to take better care of myself today. Maybe we can all get a nice nap in this afternoon.
February 12, 2018 Day 8 – Night
Zoey had a very relaxing afternoon. She slept for 3 hours straight and she was the most relaxed that I have seen her its entire week. For a while I sat on the couch and just watched her breathing.
February 12th, 2018 Day 8 – Night
Thank you Ashley!! She’s got a full belly and after lots of snuggles she’s out cold, happy and content. Ashley came to visit and brought yummy dog food that she ate out of her hand and some pedialyte which she’s taking by syringe. Zoey adores Ashley and we are all so excited she came by!!