Even if …

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul….

You’re Present Doesn’t Define You

You are not your tear stained face.
You are not the dirt and sweat that trickles down your back.
You are not the stares of those who do not understand your journey.
You are not the sobs you cry in the middle of the night.
You are not the loneliness that plagues and haunts you.
You are not a pauper because you have had to receive help from others.
You are not the reckless and painful words that others pierced your broken heart with.

You are not the shame and embarrassment you feel.
You are not the crisis you daily try to overcome.
You are not the scars that you wear from a broken heart.
You are not the foreigner you feel like…like the one who doesn’t belong.
You are not the humbled places you are living and dwelling now.
You are not the rejection and abandonment you have experienced.
You are not the burden you feel you always carry.

You are not the loss of everything that was ripped and stolen from you.
You are not hopeless like the circumstances tell you.
You are not unlovely or less than beautiful just because your pain is in your eyes and your troubles have made the wrinkles around them.
You are not forgotten like the love you once had from someone.

But you are the tender and sweet spirit that came from your pain.
You are the strength you never knew you had.
You are the courageous one that gets up everyday.
You are the soul that reaches her hand to help others.
You are the brave smile you show even when you desire to cry.

You are the one who fights for and reaches to keep hope alive.
You are the one who has been loyal and faithful to God even in the midst of adversities.
You are the one who keeps believing for better and brighter days.
You are the one whose beauty and essence has been formed by your crushed petals…Yet your bruising has been your sweetest perfume.

You are the attitude of perseverance.
You are the kindred heart that embraces others who are hurting too.
You are the one who has gleaned great wisdom from your mistakes.
You are the one who doesn’t have to show herself off- your heart and character already do.
You are the one who has walked closely with your Poppa God. He has been your best friend, confident and strength.

You are the one who has gained great treasures through this season.
You are the one who has worked in fields of GRACE.
You are the one whose walked the road of tears that will eventually turn to songs of joy.
You are the one who is soon being embraced, celebrated and covered.
You are the one who has been so strong to let go of her losses so she will gain her divine destiny.
You are beautiful, loyal, and known to be faithful and true.
You are…

I Will Destroy You

“I destroy homes, tear families apart – take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold – the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.

I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome – try me you’ll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You’ll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.

You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side.

You’ll give up everything – your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take, till you have nothing more to give.

When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game. 
If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body,  I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.

The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you’ll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.

You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.

If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave.
I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.

Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.”

Signed,
DRUGS

I Can’t Keep Up, But I Won’t Stop

My days often go by very slow. It takes me a long time to do things. And this makes me feel less valuable in this world. I can’t “keep up.”

I grieve. There is very real loss in this. This world’s value system discards those who can’t keep up, can’t produce, can’t be productive, can’t offer anything useful. There is such a great loss.

But I have decided I am good with letting this go. I am okay with this.
And that there is even great relief in this. Because it is my life and I want to be here for it. Just as it is. In reality. Not as I am told it should be, but as it truly is lived.

With all its wounds and rough patches. With the vacuum cleaner that is falling apart and the notebooks that are scattered around most every surface full of hopes and broken dreams and pages of lists full of things I need to do that often get pushed aside when the mood strikes to throw a kitchen party and the volume is set to maximum and me and my dogs dance and sing as if no one is watching.

My days, with these very slow stretches of time through more hours of darkness than light, and the increasing coldness which brings with it a deep, crushing bone pain.

In these times and days when everything can hurt and when the world is freezing and they demand we give everything, it is useful to just breathe. And go slow. One thing at a time. And another. Then another. Slow enough to feel your own heart beating.

Yes, I am slow. I can’t always keep up and I sometimes don’t get things finished in time. I often feel useless and of no value. This is my reality. And I will continue to be here for it, one breath at a time.

******************

Bipolar Wins Again

I cancelled a very important appointment today. The waiting period for a spinal MRI is quite long. I should be ever so grateful for it. And I am. I really am grateful! But no. I cancelled it.

Me – 0

Bipolar – 5,623,790

Someone Needs To Hear This

I know it hurts and I know you are afraid. I know exactly what this kind of thing does to your self esteem. But none of this was really about you. It was all about that perverted abuser. Please. I beg you. Don’t believe those harsh words that they uttered to you while you were at the most vulnerable place in your life. After all of the pain that they caused you they will continue to justify their actions at your own personal expense, even while they are walking out the door. 

But hunny, enough is enough. You have done nothing wrong. 

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

A Living Miracle

File 2015-05-12, 10 00 03 PMI’ve been very … aware … of the scar on my face lately. That scar is from when I was in a car accident. I’m quite blessed actually because that scar is the only mark left on my face. My cheek bones, nose, and chin were all broken and my eye was pretty much out of the socket. I had my sight gone for about a month. But an amazing surgeon put my eye back in place and I had a pretty miraculous healing. There is another scar on my eyelid but eye shadow covers it. The doctors were amazed at how the healing of the broken bones happened, not even needing to have my nose repositioned through surgery. If you were to look at an xray of my face right now you’d be shocked because the bones are deformed. But it doesn’t show on the outside like you would think it should. That small scar reminds me every day that I am a living miracle.File 2015-05-12, 9 59 51 PM