I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad I don’t cry, I pour. When I am happy I don’t smile, a glow. When I am angry I don’t yell, I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing either because they always tend to leave me and you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter.
I am good for a while.
I'll talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens. It's like a switch turns off somewhere and all I am left with is a darkness of my mind.
But each time it seems like I just sink deeper and deeper. And it's scary.
I'm terrified that one Day I won't make it back up. I
feel like I am gasping for air, screaming for help. But everyone just looks at me with confused faces, wondering what I am struggling over, When they're all doing just fine.
And it makes me feel nothing but crazy.
I’ve got so many thoughts running through my very crowded mind. But It’s like my brain has slowed down; like somebody has cut off the oxygen being fed to it and the cells are started to die off one by one. Processing information seems like such an impossible task.
Unfortunately I know this is a big symptom of an oncoming depressive episode. But it could also be many other things. Maybe my brain is just really tired. Maybe everything about me is tired. I’m not exactly sure. But I have been really worried. I have episodes of memory loss. I forget words. Mid sentence I pause, knowing what I have to say yet with my mouth open, the word will not come out.
I feel so stupid. I feel that I am gradually losing identity. I am far from the person I was 5 years ago. I would never be able to carry out a full university course load and pass with good grades now. A few years ago I was among the top students. Where has that girl gone?
Damn you, brain.
Sometimes as I have my coffee I start to ponder random thoughts and immediately hear the statement “did you take you meds” in my head. A statement, I’ve come to strongly dislike but accept. It’s one thing to battle my bipolar disorder as silently as possible but every day I hear that statement. I […]
The speed of my speech, the details of my stories, and the depth of emotions I express as I share them does not mean I am crazy. It’s just that I am reliving the story, including all of the emotions that went with it. Just because I have a lot of … energy … I talk it does not mean I am insane!
Expressing my emotions does not make me crazy or dangerous. If I am talking too much or too loud then please, just say so! If you’re overwhelmed when I am crying then tell me!! If I give you a headache and you need a time-out, say so. I might not be happy about this at first, and I may even feel angry because after all, isn’t love supposed to be unconditional? Aren’t you supposed to put up with me for better and for worse?? But no worries. I would appreciate you stating your boundaries rather than getting overwhelmed and then withdrawing from me, leaving me confused and upset, assuming the worst.
Yes, I know that during times like this it’s harder for you to truly comprehend the intensity of bipolar disorder. The depression is what you are most familiar with. These occasional hypomanic flare ups are very hard on you. I get that. But my actions do not mean I am crazy!! It means I am sick. Just be patient with me. Like all the other times, it will pass. With support and medications I will soon start to seem more like my ‘normal’ everyday self.
Bipolar Disorder is a tough illness to deal with. It’s hard for you, trying to stay patient through the mood swings, pushing encouragement at me when I can’t get out of bed, doing deep breathing exercises and talking me through the grounding techniques when I am deep in an anxiety attack, hyperventilating, crying. It’s hard but you do it anyway.
And it’s also very hard for me. I am the one who has to actually live with this illness. It plagues me every single minute of every single day. You are lucky because you get a break from it. I don’t.
But that’s ok. It’s part of who I am. Being bipolar is, unfortunately, part of my identity. I act different sometimes. Loud. Quiet. Emotional. Angry. Hyper. Tired.
I am a lot of things.
I am not crazy.