5:30am is coming way too fast. And its making me panic. Which is making it impossible to fall asleep. Does anyone else ever fall into this cycle when you know you have to get up extra early for something? 😨
I will walk the rest of my life with secrets inside of me that even the ppl I love most will never know.
I hold so much darkness within my mind.
My heart shatters a little bit more with every single beat.
My body is bent and broken from the weight that I carry.
I am struggling just to breathe for my insides are just writhing in pain.
there will be nothing left but a pile of black nothingness.
Very very soon.
“I destroy homes, tear families apart – take your children, and that’s just the start.
I’m more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold – the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
And if you need me, remember I’m easily found.
I live all around you, in schools and in town.
I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door.
My power is awesome – try me you’ll see.
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go, but try me twice, and I’ll own your soul.
When I possess you, you’ll steal and you’ll lie.
You’ll do what you have to just to get high.
The crimes you’ll commit, for my narcotic charms, will be worth the pleasure you’ll feel in your arms.
You’ll lie to your mother; you’ll steal from your dad.
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you’ll forget your morals and how you were raised.
I’ll be your conscience, I’ll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids, I turn people from God, and separate from friends.
I’ll take everything from you, your looks and your pride, I’ll be with you always, right by your side.
You’ll give up everything – your family, your home, your friends, your money, then you’ll be alone.
I’ll take and I’ll take, till you have nothing more to give.
When I’m finished with you you’ll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned this is no game.
If given the chance, I’ll drive you insane.
I’ll ravish your body, I’ll control your mind.
I’ll own you completely; your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I’ll give you while lying in bed.
The voices you’ll hear from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you’ll see.
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it’s too late, and you’ll know in your heart, that you are mine, and we shall not part.
You’ll regret that you tried me, they always do.
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen.
Many times you were told, but you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away.
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I’ll be your master; you will be my slave.
I’ll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not?
Its all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell.
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.”
I cancelled a very important appointment today. The waiting period for a spinal MRI is quite long. I should be ever so grateful for it. And I am. I really am grateful! But no. I cancelled it.
Me – 0
Bipolar – 5,623,790
Sometimes, late at night when I can’t sleep, I sneak out of bed, making sure not to wake my husband or to stir the sleeping dogs, I go to the living room and take refuge in the darkness and sit on the couch with my favourite blanket. That way I can be alone as I try to figure out why I have these thoughts running through my head. I look at my thighs and my ankles and my stomach and my wrist and I picture thin lines of bright red blood oozing out of my skin. I feel the warmth of the blood as it bubbles up and then runs down my arm …….
I look around me. I am surrounded by wonderful things. My sleeping husband. precious dogs. Yet this darkness around me right now is deafening. The heaviness I feel weighing down on my chest makes it hurt to breathe.
I hate when this happens.
For the first time in a while I was able to get out of bed and face the day today without the heavy cloud of doom hanging over me, crushing down on my shoulders with the weight of its darkness. Its been a very rough couple of weeks. Buying a house has become quite the experience. And something I hope I never have to do again. I hope that this will be our forever home and that there will never be any reason that we will be forced to pack up and move. We are all packed up here in the apartment, have been for several weeks now. But every couple of days something comes up and the lawyer is calling me to say there will have to be another extension for the closing date. But I think the end is actually in sight and if all goes well, we will be moving sometime this week.
But I need to get a handle on my mental health. The bipolar highs and lows have been more extreme during the past month. I’m blaming it on the excessive amount of stress I’ve been under and hoping that this episode/flare up will work itself out without requiring intervention. So whenever I seem to have a moment where I can think straight without being bombarded with the nonsense of intrusive thoughts, I try to grab a hold of whatever coping skills I can.
And I believe that today was probably one of the best days in ages. I was alone all day but I feel good. I will soon be going to bed and I can think back over this day and smile because I know I did good. I got caught up on some chores around the apartment, washed my guinea pig’s blankets and bedding, watered all of the plants, had play time with my piggle wiggle and then I ended things with a very romantic supper prepared for 8pm, when David got off work. I had candles lit on the table. Food cooked, ready to be put on the plates. Music playing down low. And I greeted him at the door wearing my (only) dress (he always that I am his beautiful angel when I wear it). It was fantastic! I’ve never prepared a candle light dinner for us before but after sharing this incredibly romantic time with my lover tonight, I know that there will be many more to come.
I have a future. With David. With my little furbaby Toby, A new home to settle into and make it my own. We have a new addition coming to our little family next month – a 6 week old yellow Labrador puppy. And many more things in the upcoming weeks and months. So I have to get a hold of this depression. I cannot let it keep its hold on me. I ain’t got time for that!