Losing Momentum

So I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now. For the past month or so to be quite honest. Yesterday I saw both my therapist and my psychiatrist, as well as my case worker. Everything just kinda came crashing down around me, starting at counseling. I broke. I literally just fell apart. I’ve been holding a lot of things since the beginning of December that I haven’t told anyone about. Things regarding my mental health. And because I’ve been trying to handle it myself but not being successful, things continued to escalate and it just so happened that one thing led to another and while talking to (counselor) my entire body started to tremble violently. I thought I was having a seizure. My teeth began to chatter as if I was freezing. I dissociated and have no memory of the next half hour but I remember looking at the clock and there was only 5 minutes left to my session.

Anyways she wouldn’t let me leave. I was suicidal.
And I have been for a while. The thoughts have reached a point where it’s taken over everything. It’s always there….and I have to spend my days trying to restrain myself from causing some serious harm.

An agreement was made that I would go to my psychiatrist appointment which was right after and I would tell him the truth about my current state and that I would have 2 days to sit and fill David in on everything …

I’m going to be having a medication change now. I’m going to be coming off Epival over the next 7days while starting Lamotrigine at the same time.

I spent 2 hours pouring things out to David and I cried myself to sleep. I was also supposed to give him my meds and he just give me a couple days at a time but I failed to do that part.

My counselor said that she will call me on Friday to check on me and see if I’ve told David. They don’t want me dealing with it alone anymore and they felt he should be aware that I have been having strong suicidal thoughts. So if I need to reach out to him for help it won’t come as a surprise to him.

So……that’s where I’m at these days. Just breathing and trying to figure out how on earth I can keep fighting this … and whether or not I even want to.

I’ve Started Going To Therapy Again

Therapy is done in layers, but unlike an onion, we don’t simply peel off and discard layers once we look at them. We take a layer, examine it, put it back, take another layer, leave it for later, skip a layer to see something else, then go back to the second layer and reexamine it with what we know now. Maybe along the way you fall back into an old habit (remember, the layers don’t disappear) and we spend some time just holding all the layers without processing or questioning them.

Entering therapy with much to talk about—that’s the top layer, or maybe even the second or third. Sometimes that top layer—what we sometimes refer to in therapy circles as the “presenting problem”—has been getting all the attention for so long because it’s the loudest or most painful. When that’s peeled back for a moment, when it has received some attention, we need to take some time to see what else may be exposed. These may be quieter parts of you but are no less important or meaningful

Soon, And Very Soon

I will walk the rest of my life with secrets inside of me that even the ppl I love most will never know.

I hold so much darkness within my mind.

My heart shatters a little bit more with every single beat.

My body is bent and broken from the weight that I carry. 

I am struggling just to breathe for my insides are just writhing in pain.

Soon

there will be nothing left but a pile of black nothingness.

Very very soon.

I hate the feeling when I wake up in the morning (scratch that, and let’s be honest, I meant the afternoon) and my heart just bottoms out. The weight of it is so heavy that it falls right out of my chest and at lightning speed it goes down through my intestines, through my bladder, and then falls out of my body with a thud on the floor.
I haven’t had my feet on the floor more than 5 minutes and I have already fallen apart.

What’s The Friggin Point?

I can’t keep up with this. My anxiety is really bad. I’ve been going around today visiting some family and my legs are weak. My heart is continuously beating fast and very deep. It feels like my heart is no longer located in my chest, but rather in the pit of my stomach.And thankfully I have autocorrect because 5I’m shaking so much that it is difficult to type anything on my phone.

Yesterday I ended up missing out on a family gathering because I mentally could not convince my limbs to move. I felt paralyzed and glued to my mattress. It wasn’t until 2pm that I could get myself to stand up. Things continued to work in slow motion the rest of the day.

I did manage to dress and put on some mascara and eye shadow and by 5:45m I Was standing in the kitchen, ready to leave to go to a Christmas church service. I was proud of myself for getting so far considering the state of my mind earlier that day. But then everything blew up within a matter of minutes. My dog managed to get outside and we couldn’t get him to come back to the house. We tried everything possible to bribe him back in but no. He knew that we were going somewhere and he was determined to come with us. He didn’t get to go though. Neither of us got to go actually. My husband got very upset because we had been rushing around trying to get out of the door on time but yet now we were very late so he turned around, stormed off into the house, put his pajamas on, and said we aren’t going. So after having some angry words with him I went to bed with my face stained with mascara. I didn’t have the strength to even wash it off because I just didn’t care anymore.

Continue reading “What’s The Friggin Point?”

Falling

It’s been quite an emotional couple of days for me. A lot of tears have been shed and quite a few emotions have been felt. I’ve been struggling with some health issues lately. Basically it’s been complications from having had my back broken in the car accident.

Yesterday I went in for a new procedure and I must admit, I found it very hard. I consider myself a strong person. If you run into me somewhere I always have a smile on my face. No matter what I’m going through in my life I never let it get to me. But sometimes even the strongest people get tired. And right now I need to admit, I’m tired.

I’m worn out from the constant pain ravaging through my body. I’m tired of dealing with all the ways that my Bipolar Disorder messes with my mind and the mixed up thoughts that it brings to surface.

Also, I’m beyond frustrated with trying to manage my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The incessant panic and anxiety I feel from daylight to dark is exhausting. I need everything to be organized and when something is out of place I am often forced to deal with a panic attack. I need to have lists to help me organize things, with each item needing to be checked off in order. I plan my day out as soon as I open my eyes and if something unexpectedly changes, it’s usually the cause of another panic attack. It’s tough.

But so am I.

Most of the time.

Right now is not one of those times though. Yesterday, after being discharged from a day in the hospital, after David helped clip on my seatbelt, my heart crumbled. I lost my nerve and I fell apart. I cried for a very long time yesterday and it has continued on today.

I want to just let myself crumble. Just for once I want someone to take care of me instead of me having to take care of everyone else. I need a break from making sure everyone’s lives run smoothly when I’m having so much trouble keeping my own self together. I’m tired. I’m worn out. And I’m emotionally exhausted. My eyes burn from all the tears that I have shed over the past couple of days and I just need too close them for a while and just block out everything around me.

I apologize 4 not being the strong person that all of you tend to look up to. Because yes, it is true. Even the strongest people fall apart sometimes.