I will walk the rest of my life with secrets inside of me that even the ppl I love most will never know.
I hold so much darkness within my mind.
My heart shatters a little bit more with every single beat.
My body is bent and broken from the weight that I carry.
I am struggling just to breathe for my insides are just writhing in pain.
there will be nothing left but a pile of black nothingness.
Very very soon.
I hate the feeling when I wake up in the morning (scratch that, and let’s be honest, I meant the afternoon) and my heart just bottoms out. The weight of it is so heavy that it falls right out of my chest and at lightning speed it goes down through my intestines, through my bladder, and then falls out of my body with a thud on the floor.
I haven’t had my feet on the floor more than 5 minutes and I have already fallen apart.
I can’t keep up with this. My anxiety is really bad. I’ve been going around today visiting some family and my legs are weak. My heart is continuously beating fast and very deep. It feels like my heart is no longer located in my chest, but rather in the pit of my stomach.And thankfully I have autocorrect because 5I’m shaking so much that it is difficult to type anything on my phone.
Yesterday I ended up missing out on a family gathering because I mentally could not convince my limbs to move. I felt paralyzed and glued to my mattress. It wasn’t until 2pm that I could get myself to stand up. Things continued to work in slow motion the rest of the day.
I did manage to dress and put on some mascara and eye shadow and by 5:45m I Was standing in the kitchen, ready to leave to go to a Christmas church service. I was proud of myself for getting so far considering the state of my mind earlier that day. But then everything blew up within a matter of minutes. My dog managed to get outside and we couldn’t get him to come back to the house. We tried everything possible to bribe him back in but no. He knew that we were going somewhere and he was determined to come with us. He didn’t get to go though. Neither of us got to go actually. My husband got very upset because we had been rushing around trying to get out of the door on time but yet now we were very late so he turned around, stormed off into the house, put his pajamas on, and said we aren’t going. So after having some angry words with him I went to bed with my face stained with mascara. I didn’t have the strength to even wash it off because I just didn’t care anymore.
It’s been quite an emotional couple of days for me. A lot of tears have been shed and quite a few emotions have been felt. I’ve been struggling with some health issues lately. Basically it’s been complications from having had my back broken in the car accident.
Yesterday I went in for a new procedure and I must admit, I found it very hard. I consider myself a strong person. If you run into me somewhere I always have a smile on my face. No matter what I’m going through in my life I never let it get to me. But sometimes even the strongest people get tired. And right now I need to admit, I’m tired.
I’m worn out from the constant pain ravaging through my body. I’m tired of dealing with all the ways that my Bipolar Disorder messes with my mind and the mixed up thoughts that it brings to surface.
Also, I’m beyond frustrated with trying to manage my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The incessant panic and anxiety I feel from daylight to dark is exhausting. I need everything to be organized and when something is out of place I am often forced to deal with a panic attack. I need to have lists to help me organize things, with each item needing to be checked off in order. I plan my day out as soon as I open my eyes and if something unexpectedly changes, it’s usually the cause of another panic attack. It’s tough.
But so am I.
Most of the time.
Right now is not one of those times though. Yesterday, after being discharged from a day in the hospital, after David helped clip on my seatbelt, my heart crumbled. I lost my nerve and I fell apart. I cried for a very long time yesterday and it has continued on today.
I want to just let myself crumble. Just for once I want someone to take care of me instead of me having to take care of everyone else. I need a break from making sure everyone’s lives run smoothly when I’m having so much trouble keeping my own self together. I’m tired. I’m worn out. And I’m emotionally exhausted. My eyes burn from all the tears that I have shed over the past couple of days and I just need too close them for a while and just block out everything around me.
I apologize 4 not being the strong person that all of you tend to look up to. Because yes, it is true. Even the strongest people fall apart sometimes.
My days often go by very slow. It takes me a long time to do things. And this makes me feel less valuable in this world. I can’t “keep up.”
I grieve. There is very real loss in this. This world’s value system discards those who can’t keep up, can’t produce, can’t be productive, can’t offer anything useful. There is such a great loss.
But I have decided I am good with letting this go. I am okay with this.
And that there is even great relief in this. Because it is my life and I want to be here for it. Just as it is. In reality. Not as I am told it should be, but as it truly is lived.
With all its wounds and rough patches. With the vacuum cleaner that is falling apart and the notebooks that are scattered around most every surface full of hopes and broken dreams and pages of lists full of things I need to do that often get pushed aside when the mood strikes to throw a kitchen party and the volume is set to maximum and me and my dogs dance and sing as if no one is watching.
My days, with these very slow stretches of time through more hours of darkness than light, and the increasing coldness which brings with it a deep, crushing bone pain.
In these times and days when everything can hurt and when the world is freezing and they demand we give everything, it is useful to just breathe. And go slow. One thing at a time. And another. Then another. Slow enough to feel your own heart beating.
Yes, I am slow. I can’t always keep up and I sometimes don’t get things finished in time. I often feel useless and of no value. This is my reality. And I will continue to be here for it, one breath at a time.
I cancelled a very important appointment today. The waiting period for a spinal MRI is quite long. I should be ever so grateful for it. And I am. I really am grateful! But no. I cancelled it.
Me – 0
Bipolar – 5,623,790