There are plenty of things a person should not be able to do after they lose one of their arms.
But I guess I didn’t get that memo ….
I know I can achieve anything I set my mind to.
Yes. My physical situation makes me stand out from other ppl. A lot. But Being told I can’t do something just makes me work harder and more creatively.
My life is very complicated. But you know what? Thats ok. I’m lucky to even be alive right now!
I’m different then you. But that’s what makes me who I am!
You’ve endured this discomfort before
and survived it
so you can survive it again today.
You’ve felt these feelings before
and you sat with them
so you can sit with them again today.
You’ve felt like giving up before
but you held onto HOPE
so you can hold onto HOPE again today.
You made it through this week
you made it through yesterday
and so, you can make it through today.
You can do it.
You will do it.
You ARE doing it.
You are strong and capable
and you will NOT give up.
Why does it interfere with all aspects of life?
Why is it the instigator of such strife? How does it start? How is it so off the chart? It demands to be felt. This hand it has dealt. It consumes…it engulfs… it challenges your thoughts. A five or a ten, Is different friend to friend. How does our body register…And process and make sense…This beautiful complex body system that God created, Is so often understated, In the midst how do you find the joy? Or is it really all just a ploy?It challenges your faith. Yet, gives you so much grace. You see the suffering of others…You feel the pain that more than bothers. Yet, a reminder of the One who suffered more, Who knew what was in store. Who went humbly onto the cross, A death, yet not a loss. His life was not in vain, Future heaven now my gain. A future I can see, I can now grasp it was for me. Freed one day from the pain, This life is not what will remain. My body still hurts. The pain still entangles, engulfs. But things of this world are temporal, One day the pain will be no more. The pain of today, Yet, the comfort, the hope, And the longing of tomorrow. Relieves me of the sorrow. The journey is still hard, But will not be in vain.
This is the deal with pain.
My mouth is very slowly coming back to normal. No swelling left. Bleeding has stopped. Am also gradually eating small amounts of foods that require chewing. Had mashed potato and some baked cod fish and it was heavenly!
Am working through my disordered food related thought process one by one. Trying to fight against the negativity in my mind by combatting it with doses of readings and quotes and other things that fall under the topics of body acceptance and recovery. Some attempts are successful and I am able to rationalize with myself while other times it turns into a screaming battle between 2 separate forces inside of me. These are the moments that make me stop and really question my sanity.
I’ve been down this road many times before and these episodes have usually ended badly, with me in a hospital bed, somewhere, in one of the many hospitals in this province, either in intensive care or in a private room under constant observation on the psychiatric ward.
I have managed to stay standing on my own 2 feet without falling and face planting into a hole for 2 years now. That was my last psychiatric hospitalization. I’ve been fighing tooth and nail to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground with both legs holding me up. My legs actually seem to have gotten stronger along the way. I’ve had a few major blows this week but I’m still standing.
Thank you God.
I will continue to work my way through this by visualizing a child. Admiring the parents I see out around with their kids. Unstable mental health will cause us to lose our place on our province’s adoption registry. If I can’t take care of myself then how can I be a mother to a child who will desperately need me?
It’s is the face of that unborn baby that will come into this world sometime soon who will lie in a cradle somewhere, waiting for a social worker to decide their fate. And my name and my husband’s name will appear somewhere amongst all of the data and we will be chosen to be the couple who will take this child home with us and I will finally be able to hold my gift from God. I will become a mom.
But only if I can remain in control of the demons within me. So I will fight like I have never fought before and I WILL prove that I CAN do this!!
Oh God. Please help me.
I want my blog to be something that shows how a real person deals with the ups and downs in life. I don’t sugar coat anything. I don’t hide the struggles and just post happy, positive things. No one has a life like that and I am not afraid to share my struggles. For one, its real. To cry, to feel pain, have family struggles, financial burdens, etc. Life is like that. Full of so many different things. Secondly, I have spent too many years hidden behind a thick mask that put a smile to my face when in fact I was crying behind it. I no longer need to do that because I am who I am and I am not seeking anyone’s approval.
My blog is a place where I share my faith, my hopes and dreams, and my happiness as well as my heartaches. I do not seek attention and I couldn’t care less if you read my updates or not. But if you do, I hope that somehow my life will be a blessing. To show that God can use the most broken people of this world to share their stories of how God’s miracles have saved their lives and that a tiny bit of faith can move huge mountains is a high calling. And that is my goal.
I am human. I make a lot of mistakes and mess things up quite often. I love to laugh and I adore small animals. One day I would like to have 5 guinea pigs, a cat, and a huge dog and they will all be the greatest of friends. I am an amputee. This causes a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. I deal with chronic pain with every single breath I take. But I fight through it. I also have Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mental illness is often misunderstood by many ppl. Even though I sometimes feel it, I am not crazy. I am not an attention-seeker and I am not touchy or sensitive. I am sick. I am also passionately in love with my husband. I pray for him and our marriage on a daily basis. He truly is my other half. Every time I think or say his name I smile. There could not be any stronger passion than that I feel for David.
So this is me. And this is my blog. I hope those of you reading this will embrace me the way I am and not judge me by any photos or entries you may see. Everything I post here represents me and my beliefs in one way or another and you have to be willing to take the good with the bad. This is real life. My life. And you can choose to be blessed by it or you can judge me by it. But my goal is to let you get a glimpse of how God works in the lives of his children. And I hope you can see that by following me here. Social media doesn’t always have to me a bad thing!
That’s what’s held me back from a lot of things in my life. Fear and self image issues. I don’t like my life the way it is right now and I know this is NOT God’s plan for me. This is not the way things were meant to be.
Lots of prayer from my family, peers, as well as myself has gotten me to the point I am at this very minute. And it’s gonna take a lot more prayer to help me DO what I KNOW I need to do to fix up my life But yeah …
I’m 31 years old. My twenties were spent deep in addictions, eating disorders, suicide attempts, self injury, alcoholism and a lot of other crap. But I refuse to spend my thirties that way too. God has given me more than one second chance at living because medically I should be dead. The car accident took my arm, my hair, my left breast, some bones and way too much blood. It took my breath and my organ functions and left me on machines for a while. Doctors said I wouldn’t live through the night. That was 3 years ago. Suicide attempts have left me on life support. But yet here I am. Drug overdoses that would have killed a horse just left me limp and sick for a few days only to have me in the same situation shortly after. I have seen more hospital walls, IV needles and polls, and little cups of sedatives than any other things in my 31 years on earth. I have survived it all.
I know God isn’t keeping me alive just to live in this dark place that I am in and be alone. David’s love for me has shown me a lot lately about my importance to him and the ppl around me. My husband loves me unconditionally and it’s time I appreciate that. Which I do. Always have. But I see it in a different light right now.
I’ve got a lot to work on and it’s going to take a while but I’m determined to improve my life. I can’t waste the opportunity I have to be here on this earth and enjoy everything it has to offer.
I need you Lord. More than anything I need You. I’m so hungry for life. All that you have in store for me. I ask for you will to be fulfilled in my life. More than the air I breathe, more than the songs I sing, more than my next heartbeat …. I need You more. Your presence is life to me. It’s what I breathe. I need more of Your presence. More than anything. I need You.
It says that the captives will be released and the prisoners set free. Does that include me too? Will I get to go with God and be released from all of these mental health issues?