I am absolutely heartbroken. I have never felt so incompetent in my entire life …..
We had our ‘big meeting’ with Child Youth and Family Services today regarding our application process to become foster parents and – I got denied. For right now.
They do not feel I am strong enough. I haven’t had enough time pass since my last mental health related hospitalization. There needs to be 5-6 yrs without incident for them to remove that red flag. It’s been about 3 years. It is for that reason that I cannot be approved at this time. They even had a team meeting to discuss just me and my so-called unique situation because I have so many strengths and am everything they want in a foster parent – BUT – they can’t take chances on me.
Even a good letter from my psychiatrist made no difference.
My history with mental illness, bipolar in particular, will forever dictate EVERYTHING. There are kids out there in abusive homes but yet they’d rather keep them there then put them in my care.
I am devastated. Heartbroken. I feel that I no longer have anything to fight for. I have tried and worked so damn hard in the past while to manage my health in the best way possible to prevent any meltdowns because I knew it would negatively affect my chance to foster any children. But right now, today, I am on the verge of giving up. I do not want to and neither do I have any strength to hold it together.
I am so tired. So so so tired. I’m tired of being strong … strong for you, strong for this, for that, for many things … because it doesn’t matter anyways. My strength to be well just is not good enough and it’s all because of where I have been and where I come from.
I feel utterly useless.
But after much prayer leading up to this I know this is for the best. I’m just having a very hard time accepting it.
In 2 years time I will have had my surgery over with for my wrist, the settlement from the accident would be taken care of hopefully, and have a longer stretch of time under my belt without a mental health related hospitalization. I need to have faith.
Needing it and having it are much different though. All I have right now are tears.