1. Having my hubby home from work today, safe from the first blizzard of 2019 and not out on the roads, which are currently closed due to the whiteout conditions. 55cm of snow so far, continuing on overnight.
2. Perry, the guy who we have hired for the winter to plow our lane/driveway during the bigger storms.
3. My pink 2019 day planner that is great for helping me plan out my cleaning chores so that I can try and cope with my OCD issues. Having things planned out for the week helps lower my anxiety and seeing things scheduled shows me that it’s going to get done, just not today. This prevents me from being obsessive and trying to do everything all the one time.
4. Being able to use my phone for so many different things, especially to take pictures.
5. God’s forgiveness. I am not perfect. I mess up every day. I forget to say a blessing before I eat. I don’t pray as much as I should. And I know that I am not always a good influence. So many times I have to pray for forgiveness and I am grateful that He hears me every time.
The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.
Bipolar disorder is hard.
I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.
Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.
If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.
I want my blog to be something that shows how a real person deals with the ups and downs in life. I don’t sugar coat anything. I don’t hide the struggles and just post happy, positive things. No one has a life like that and I am not afraid to share my struggles. For one, its real. To cry, to feel pain, have family struggles, financial burdens, etc. Life is like that. Full of so many different things. Secondly, I have spent too many years hidden behind a thick mask that put a smile to my face when in fact I was crying behind it. I no longer need to do that because I am who I am and I am not seeking anyone’s approval.
My blog is a place where I share my faith, my hopes and dreams, and my happiness as well as my heartaches. I do not seek attention and I couldn’t care less if you read my updates or not. But if you do, I hope that somehow my life will be a blessing. To show that God can use the most broken people of this world to share their stories of how God’s miracles have saved their lives and that a tiny bit of faith can move huge mountains is a high calling. And that is my goal.
I am human. I make a lot of mistakes and mess things up quite often. I love to laugh and I adore small animals. One day I would like to have 5 guinea pigs, a cat, and a huge dog and they will all be the greatest of friends. I am an amputee. This causes a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. I deal with chronic pain with every single breath I take. But I fight through it. I also have Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mental illness is often misunderstood by many ppl. Even though I sometimes feel it, I am not crazy. I am not an attention-seeker and I am not touchy or sensitive. I am sick. I am also passionately in love with my husband. I pray for him and our marriage on a daily basis. He truly is my other half. Every time I think or say his name I smile. There could not be any stronger passion than that I feel for David.
So this is me. And this is my blog. I hope those of you reading this will embrace me the way I am and not judge me by any photos or entries you may see. Everything I post here represents me and my beliefs in one way or another and you have to be willing to take the good with the bad. This is real life. My life. And you can choose to be blessed by it or you can judge me by it. But my goal is to let you get a glimpse of how God works in the lives of his children. And I hope you can see that by following me here. Social media doesn’t always have to me a bad thing!
It says that the captives will be released and the prisoners set free. Does that include me too? Will I get to go with God and be released from all of these mental health issues?
Finding the man of my dreams has made such a huge impact on my life. Don’t get me wrong…I’m NOT saying two things. First, I’m not saying a MAN is the answer to bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness. Secondly, I’m not saying it was easy. I was very insecure, especially when we first started dating.
My whole life I always had a fear no one would love me. No one would ever want to have physical contact with me. No one would ever like to brag about me being their dream girl. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted.
Then, I was diagnosed and, of course, that fear increased tremendously. How could a man love me for who I am, after what I’ve done in my life, the self injury, the hospitalizations, and then throw in mental illness … Bipolar, Generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, depression …
But what I thought I “knew”, wasn’t true and neither was it right. God had the right man for me. I’m also not saying that David has cured me. I still have my ups and my downs. I’m still very bipolar. I still get very sick.
It’s wonderful how God is in all of the details of my life. My husband will tell you himself that he knew from seeing me across the room at the banquet that night, at first-sight that there was “something about her” and he knew he had to meet me. And he made it happen. Well, maybe He, made it happen.
Because I firmly believe that God has been involved in every single aspect of my life. And that includes creating a man who will accept me and love me, til death do us part.
Without David, I don’t know how I would be able to cope with life in a healthy. Its scary to think about because there is a very high probability that I would be dead. He is my rock. My safe place. When I put my head on his chest and lie there listening to his heart beating, I pray to God and thank Him for everything He has done in my life that has brought me to a place where suicide isn’t in my every waking thought or plaguing all of my dreams at night.
Its a miracle in itself that I am alive today.