Having To Break Through Rocks

Just feel like venting. My chest is heavy. I’m emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

Why am I so lazy?

Well, it’s not lazy. Lazy is when you shrug things off because you just don’t give a damn. When you’re curled up on your couch, on your bed, alone and desperately wishing that you had your life in order, that you did all the things you had to do, that it didn’t feel like breaking through rocks just to feed and clothe yourself and get some sleep, that’s not lazy. People don’t understand. You tell them it’s hard and they tell you, no it isn’t. You start to wonder if maybe they are right. Is breaking through these rocks easy for everyone else? Are they that much stronger than me?

They don’t look like they’re struggling.

Just try harder they say.

But I am trying!!!!

It’s just not working.

Breaking boulders in my path until I’m worn out isn’t lazy. And I do it day after day after day after day after day. I’m not lazy. Most people don’t have those rocks to break. They don’t even know what it’s like to have to break through rocks to get things done. They don’t understand how hard I have to work and how hopeless I feel when I try and try and try and only fail to do what other people seem to do so freaking easily. Things are harder for me. They really are. And if those people had to deal with my problems, they wouldn’t be able to do any better than I am doing.

I’m not lazy.

I’m not weak.

I’m fighting hard. Damn it!!

I’m fighting harder than ever before.

And I guess I just wanted you to know that today.

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Effects of Meds on Marriage

I’m trying to decide which can cause more damage to my marriage: the medication side effects or an unmedicated illness.

Ever since I started medication for my bipolar disorder years ago, I have secretly struggled with a decrease in sexual desire.

I could stop the meds. Then I wouldn’t have to force myself to have sex with my husband. I wouldn’t have to start mentally preparing myself in the morning so that I could initiate sex that night and make my husband think I’m all fired up.

I am, in fact, fired up. But it’s not something that instantly happens anymore. I can’t get spontaneously turned on and desire sex at random times. Not since I began treatment for bipolar disorder.

I have to spend hours working towards it. Mentally, I self talk.  I do thinks to make myself FEEL pretty. Paint my nails. Or style my hair. Send David a few kinky texts at work. Texts I have already written and prepared and saved in a file. Ready for when I need them. Maybe I put clean sheets in our bed.

And sometimes I go to our “special” drawer. A place where we keep our adult toys. I hold one and visualize the things we’ve done with it. I pick up another and another and imagine what I could do with it with David that night.

Sometimes I start to feel a tinge of desire. Of longing. And I begin to get excited for him to get home from work. I lie back on my bed and all of a sudden I feel like crying.

I should not have to work this hard and I should definitely not need to prepare myself like this in order to be intimate with my own husband. So I battle with the thought of stopping my medications.

If I do that, what happens then? A completely different problem arises. The bipolar itself. A whole new kind of strain on our marriage.

Stopping my meds means the depression will surface. I won’t want to get out of bed. I’ll be very irritable and end up causing arguments with my husband over little insignificant things. Without my meds I blow up over everything.

I may become manic. End up spending our mortgage money on dog toys on eBay. I stop sleeping so I don’t even make it to bed for nights on end.

And sex? Yeah! I can’t control myself. I want to be touching him all the time. I need to be near him every minute that he’s home, often causing him frustration because I take away his personal space.

Then we argue.

We get frustrated.

And I get suicidal.

All of this because I stopped my medication so that I could be more intimate with my husband. But instead, the bipolar has made things even worse.

So ultimately, what has more effect on intimacy in my marriage? I don’t exactly have an answer to that. Living with bipolar isn’t easy and there isn’t a single area of my life that isn’t affected. I wake up every morning, afraid. Afraid that he will leave me because intimacy is so complicated for us.

So what would cause more damage to my marriage? Taking the medication or living with untreated bipolar disorder? I’m not sure and I’m not about to find out.

Because thankfully I have an amazing guy who tries his best to understand me and my illness. We communicate openly about intimacy in our relationship and I know that I won’t ever have to stop my medication in order to keep my husband satisfied sexually.

And I hope you never feel the need to do that either.

5 Short Questions

So today in our Operation October Challenge Group, these questions were thrown out there:

This week I want us to focus on ourselves, our happiness and our confidence! Starting off I want you to answer the questions below on a 1-10 scale (1 is bad and 10 is AMAZING):
1. How happy are you on a scale of 1-10?
2. What would make you happier?
3. Is this something you have control of?
4. What makes you happy?
5. Share a photo in the group of something that makes YOU happy! This something is a treat for you, something you take time out or would like to take time out for yourself.

I really had to think about this. And here is what I posted in response to those questions:

1. My happiness level is about a 6/10.
2. Weight loss is at the top of my list of things that would make me happy in life.
3. Much of my weight gain was brought on by medication side effects and over the 2 years I spent in recovery after my car accident. For a long time, outside factors held all the control because what was happening to my body during my recovery years was out of my hands. Now that I am back on my feet and in better health, the state of my body is now my responsibility. Although it feels like I have no control over my weight, technically I do. And it is my responsibility to do something about it.
4. My pets and my husband are the loves of my life. They fill my heart with real, true happiness.
5. 2016-05-22-16-02-21

An Observation 

This world is increasingly designed to depress us. Happiness is something that is not good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had then why on earth would we want more? 
How do they sell anti-aging moisturizers? By make people worry about aging. How do they get people to vote for a certain political party? By making them worry about immigration. How do thy get people to buy insurance? By making them worry about all the different things that can go wrong. How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws. How do you get them to watch a certain TV show? By making them worry about missing out. How do you get them to buy new smart phones? By making them feel like they are being left behind or that they are not going to fit in. 

To become happy is kind of a revolutionary act. To be happy with our own non-upgraded existence, to be comfortable with our messy, human selves is simply not good for business. 

Just sayin. 

Excited About Life

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Its amazing how much my life has changed in the past 6 weeks. I am feeling much healthier than I have in years. I have made many changes in the way I go through my days. I am managing my time better.

I have increased the frequency and content of my eating. You’d think that would cause weight gain right? WRONG! Done in the right way, this can actually INCREASE weight LOSS! The types of foods that fill my plate are so much different than they used to be. I’m AWARE of things.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and setting personal goals, short term and long term. I’ve become excited about creating a future for myself.

Do you know how long its been since I’ve truly experienced feelings of happiness and content?? To be honest, I don’t think I ever have. I am slowly stepping out of my comfort zone and taking on new ventures. You can expect to see some exciting updates in the upcoming weeks!

I have to say that signing up for the 21 day challenge group back in May was the best decision ever because it sparked in me something new. And I’m loving it!