Please Accept My Apology

My dearest Body,

Oh, how I have treated you so unkind. Oh, how so unkindly others have treated you. Yet, you still remain intact, bearing the physical, emotional, and psychological scars of unpleasantry for so little to see. Body, you have carried my being for years. You are much younger than I am in here. For reasons not yet completely known to me, there have been times where I have pinched you until you bled, cut you until you bled, starved you, poisoned you, and exploited you. Through all of this, you still remain with me: A young, beautiful shell carrying an old, bitter being.

Depression has allowed me to do these things to you. I never meant to hurt you. Family history runs deep within the vile rivers of disparity and self-loathing. I greatly apologize for those times I lacked the emotional and psychological ability to stop forced hate upon you. I want to blame my family history for my own past.

Rightfully so, these thoughts and actions are learned at a young age and I do not believe I would have naturally turned out this way if it weren’t for everything I have witnessed since birth.

Anger, depression, addiction, lust, and selfishness: the list continues. I have always known anger. I have always seen physical anger. These learned actions and reactions have caused me to harm you in ways I would never harm another living being. I cannot even kill a cockroach without crying inside.

My dearest Body, you did not deserve any of those things. I have taught you to stay still while I transcended into deep meditation. I taught you to stretch and run. I nurtured you with medication to heal you even when my brain maliciously told me not to. You are so incredible. I don’t tell you this often enough, but I spend long moments just staring at you up close. I love the rivets in your skin and the olive hue it gives off under its paleness. I am learning to love your eye color and your toes. I am learning how to give you what you need when you need it instead of selfishly taking and keeping from you.

With all of that being said, there is nothing I would want to change about you. Your lips are beautiful. Do not listen when I tell you they’re too thin. Your nose is perfect. Do not listen when I tell you it’s too big. Your vagina is magnificent. Do not listen when I tell you it’s not. Your nails are exactly as they should be. Do not listen when I tell you they’re too brittle.

The only things I wish to change are of my spirit. I am bitter and angry, yet hopeful and happy. I’m sorry that my mind is a bit confused, Body. I’m so grateful for you! For you have not betrayed me once. It is I who has betrayed you.

Yet, you inspire me by continuing to carry me forward!

You give me so much hope!

Thank you, Body.

Submitted by Ashley Godwin

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The Struggle. Its Much Too Real

Well, my journey to the land of the healthy living is still going strong. For the month of May I lost 15 pounds. I need to get someone to help me update my measurements. We are now 10 days into the month of June and things are pretty steady. I’m finding there to be quite a lot more struggles lately that are becoming harder to overcome. And I have my mental illness to thank for that.

My moods have been very erratic this week. Moments of great productivity turn into hours of lying on the couch feeling nothing other than deep despair. I follow my meal plan for a while without any complaining but then my brain starts to sizzle and crackle as if it was a bowl of rice crispies and then it snaps and I gorge on whatever my husband happens to be eating at the time, which is usually something unhealthy. And I feel better.

Not really. I don’t want the food. What I want is to silence my brain. A long nights sleep may help. Tired. So. So. Tired.                                                                                                                                         2016-05-09 17.06.56

Current Dilemma 

I  have a slight boost of energy today. Hallelujah!! Now, how to effectively utilize this little blessing … that is the big question here. 

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.

Ok so there has been this thing going around on facebook lately regarding self esteem and self love. People are being tagged and asked to post 5 pictures (aka selfies) that represent 5 different times in which you felt beautiful; pictures that reveal your own true genuine beauty – in your own personal opinion.

I don’t think it should be just kept to facebook so I’m bring my post here as well. Healthy self image is something that should be encouraged every day. A lot of us, including myself, struggle daily with being able to see our reflection and not cringing, muttering some very cruel things in response, because loving ourselves is something we have never been able to do. We don’t want to feel this way and it feels as if there will never be a day that we will be able to look in the mirror and think, damn! I look good! I say ‘we’ because I know the majority of us feel this way.

How can we change this? How can you start loving yourself and stop the self hatred? I’m not sure, to be honest. I haven’t figured that out. But going through some pictures and picking out 5 that make me feel beautiful could be a start.

Now I challenge YOU. If you’re reading my post right now, you can do this too. 5 pictures. Let all of us see how truly radiant you are, even if you just crawled out of bed and your hair looks like a haystack. If you accept my challenge, link back to me because I would love to see your pictures.

Here are mine:

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This is a rare picture because I simply refuse to have any taken of me that show from my shoulders down. But I felt so proud that day. I had just married my soulmate and I had my mom, the most beautiful woman I know, standing right beside me.

 

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I am an amputee. I have no left arm. I do not wear a prosthetic device of any kind. A part of my body was torn away from me in a car accident. But I am still beautiful.

 

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I love experimenting with my hair. The funkier the colors, the better I feel. Different is beautiful.

 

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I am enough.

 

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This picture represents a different kind of beauty. I am strong. I am a fighter. I. Am. Alive. And now, I consider life a beauty in itself. After several suicide attempts and then a near fatal car accident, I accepted the fact that I am meant to live. So I began fighting. After 10 weeks lying flat in a hospital bed with a broken body, with the aid of doctors and therapists, I was able to sit up on my own. My mom took this picture of me the first time I was lifted from the bed into a special chair. After many tears, she wiped my face and I smiled. I was a survivor.

I’m Over It

I’ve had hard times before (that’s kinda the biggest understatement ever) and it didn’t last forever. I’ve gone through periods in time where I feel angry and hurt and furious and devastated and on and on and on. All because of a sentence or a single word or even just a look. Something is done (or not done) and I get really hurt by it. It usually eats away at me inside and I suffer way to much because of someone else. And the majority of the time the other person has no idea how much they have made me hurt. 

What I’m doing this time though is trying to deal in a more healthy way because I am not letting my hurt feelings destroy me. Im not running from the pain, instead I am taking off my mask and reminding myself that no one should have that kind of power over me. No one should be able to hurt me as much as this without even being around me…. 

it sucks and it hurts like hell. Im not blaming anyone, and I am not saying that this is anyone’s fault. I am just being real and admitting that I am very hurt and torn up inside. 

But I will be ok.