Hump Day

2016-05-09-17-07-54

Relationships Need Work

Relationships take work. That’s why I love spending time with my hubby. It’s a way to connect and tune out the rest of the world for a while. What are some ways you like to nurture your relationship? Even downloading Words With Friends or Yahtzee With Buddies and taking a half hour to play with your partner while you chat is a cool way to spend time together. It doesn’t take much but it DOES take something to keep relationships strong and healthy!

Effects of Meds on Marriage

I’m trying to decide which can cause more damage to my marriage: the medication side effects or an unmedicated illness.

Ever since I started medication for my bipolar disorder years ago, I have secretly struggled with a decrease in sexual desire.

I could stop the meds. Then I wouldn’t have to force myself to have sex with my husband. I wouldn’t have to start mentally preparing myself in the morning so that I could initiate sex that night and make my husband think I’m all fired up.

I am, in fact, fired up. But it’s not something that instantly happens anymore. I can’t get spontaneously turned on and desire sex at random times. Not since I began treatment for bipolar disorder.

I have to spend hours working towards it. Mentally, I self talk.  I do thinks to make myself FEEL pretty. Paint my nails. Or style my hair. Send David a few kinky texts at work. Texts I have already written and prepared and saved in a file. Ready for when I need them. Maybe I put clean sheets in our bed.

And sometimes I go to our “special” drawer. A place where we keep our adult toys. I hold one and visualize the things we’ve done with it. I pick up another and another and imagine what I could do with it with David that night.

Sometimes I start to feel a tinge of desire. Of longing. And I begin to get excited for him to get home from work. I lie back on my bed and all of a sudden I feel like crying.

I should not have to work this hard and I should definitely not need to prepare myself like this in order to be intimate with my own husband. So I battle with the thought of stopping my medications.

If I do that, what happens then? A completely different problem arises. The bipolar itself. A whole new kind of strain on our marriage.

Stopping my meds means the depression will surface. I won’t want to get out of bed. I’ll be very irritable and end up causing arguments with my husband over little insignificant things. Without my meds I blow up over everything.

I may become manic. End up spending our mortgage money on dog toys on eBay. I stop sleeping so I don’t even make it to bed for nights on end.

And sex? Yeah! I can’t control myself. I want to be touching him all the time. I need to be near him every minute that he’s home, often causing him frustration because I take away his personal space.

Then we argue.

We get frustrated.

And I get suicidal.

All of this because I stopped my medication so that I could be more intimate with my husband. But instead, the bipolar has made things even worse.

So ultimately, what has more effect on intimacy in my marriage? I don’t exactly have an answer to that. Living with bipolar isn’t easy and there isn’t a single area of my life that isn’t affected. I wake up every morning, afraid. Afraid that he will leave me because intimacy is so complicated for us.

So what would cause more damage to my marriage? Taking the medication or living with untreated bipolar disorder? I’m not sure and I’m not about to find out.

Because thankfully I have an amazing guy who tries his best to understand me and my illness. We communicate openly about intimacy in our relationship and I know that I won’t ever have to stop my medication in order to keep my husband satisfied sexually.

And I hope you never feel the need to do that either.

I Want You

I want you to moan. I want you to whisper in my ear, pretending like you were trying to hide the sound, like you’re trying to smother it but I still hear it.

I want your fingernails to dig into my skin and your lips to move faster and harder and deeper against mine.

I want your eyes roll back into your head and your body to push into mine until we are sticking to each other skin.

I want to feel the heat radiating from your skin.

I want to feel your muscles shake against my flesh.

I want you to beg and I want you to throw your head back stuttering for more.

I want your neck to be exposed for me to bite and your chest to be bare so it can be skin on skin and flesh on flesh.

I want my legs wrapped around you.

I want us to grind on each other so hard it makes your muscles clinch and your jaw drop and your face to tense up with pure ecstasy.

I want you.

Deep Love 

I thought your laugh was my favourite thing about you 

but then I made you moan and gasp and sigh

That was when you turned on my soul

I want it and I want it NOW!

Currently on the 5th day of vacation. 4 nights so far in tent … with my mother in law. I must say that it hasn’t been as bad as I had anticipated. Aside from having enough respect for her request that David and I refrain from being sexual while she’s with us, we have all gotten along quite well. (How can you expect a couple who are madly in love AND on vacation to keep their hands to themselves?! Anyhow, we are blessed with the talent of creativity so it worked out ok.) I admit, I found it hard a few times, trying to control myself. It’s ironic how my sex drive goes into a flat out high speed chase after David when I know I’m in a situation where I can’t have him the way I want him. Take it away and you want it more than ever!!