Losing Momentum

So I’m going through a bit of a rough time right now. For the past month or so to be quite honest. Yesterday I saw both my therapist and my psychiatrist, as well as my case worker. Everything just kinda came crashing down around me, starting at counseling. I broke. I literally just fell apart. I’ve been holding a lot of things since the beginning of December that I haven’t told anyone about. Things regarding my mental health. And because I’ve been trying to handle it myself but not being successful, things continued to escalate and it just so happened that one thing led to another and while talking to (counselor) my entire body started to tremble violently. I thought I was having a seizure. My teeth began to chatter as if I was freezing. I dissociated and have no memory of the next half hour but I remember looking at the clock and there was only 5 minutes left to my session.

Anyways she wouldn’t let me leave. I was suicidal.
And I have been for a while. The thoughts have reached a point where it’s taken over everything. It’s always there….and I have to spend my days trying to restrain myself from causing some serious harm.

An agreement was made that I would go to my psychiatrist appointment which was right after and I would tell him the truth about my current state and that I would have 2 days to sit and fill David in on everything …

I’m going to be having a medication change now. I’m going to be coming off Epival over the next 7days while starting Lamotrigine at the same time.

I spent 2 hours pouring things out to David and I cried myself to sleep. I was also supposed to give him my meds and he just give me a couple days at a time but I failed to do that part.

My counselor said that she will call me on Friday to check on me and see if I’ve told David. They don’t want me dealing with it alone anymore and they felt he should be aware that I have been having strong suicidal thoughts. So if I need to reach out to him for help it won’t come as a surprise to him.

So……that’s where I’m at these days. Just breathing and trying to figure out how on earth I can keep fighting this … and whether or not I even want to.

Every 40 Seconds


Not Sure What Recovery Looks Like

It seems like some of the biggest battles I have fought were many years ago. Some days it feels like forever ago and other times it still feels like yesterday.

There are still bad days but there are many – many – good days that outweigh it all!!

There are still things that I struggle with. Some days my anxiety weighs me down.
Anxiety can be crippling. It’s like a heavy pressure on your chest and it takes your breath away.
Depression can be lonely. It gets exhausting to be stuck in ones head, questioning everything, caring too much, worrying too much, or not caring enough. Overthinking. Fear. An emptiness. A void.

We don’t talk enough about Mental Health. There is such a strong stigma attached with it.

It’s a weird sort of shame that keeps us silent from speaking up. And it shouldn’t be that way.

If each of us had enough courage to share our own struggle with Mental Health, what would our society look like?
Even if you don’t struggle with some form of mental health , how many people do you know that do?

I still have battles. I still have demons to conquer. I think if we were honest, almost everyone does!

I don’t know what recovery from Mental Health really looks like…..
but I think of it like the ocean. Sometimes it’s still and calm and crystal clear. And other times the waves begin to roll in. The tide rises. The waves get bigger and a storm is brewing. The winds blow and the sky is dark. A whirlpool is formed. A typhoon hits.

And then after a while everything settles again.

Everything is calm.

Take Notice

Our lives are busy, so we sometimes need to be reminded to take notice. These days, we’re hearing more and more about mindfulness.

What is it?

Here’s one definition: It is the state of being attentive to and aware of what is taking place in the present.[ii] In other words, it means paying attention to what is happening right now.

Sometimes we forget to be mindful. When you notice what’s going on inside you, and what’s going on around you, you can make choices that will meet your needs.

And you can reduce stress.

Notice the moment, whatever you’re doing. Reflecting on your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

Take time to really enjoy your food.

Pay attention to your breath, in meditation practice or just sitting at your desk.

Notice when something good happens to you, and savour it.

Observe when something’s beautiful. Or unusual.

Be aware of your thoughts and what you tell yourself.

Be curious.

Try meditation. It’s not as hard as it might sound. (You can meditate in all sorts of way, including sitting, walking, and even eating. Check it out online.)

Keep a journal or write a blog

Just take notice!

Dear Self, Where Did You Go?

I’ve got so many thoughts running through my very crowded mind. But It’s like my brain has slowed down; like somebody has cut off the oxygen being fed to it and the cells are started to die off one by one. Processing information seems like such an impossible task. 

Unfortunately I know this is a big symptom of an oncoming depressive episode. But it could also be many other things. Maybe my brain is just really tired. Maybe everything about me is tired. I’m not exactly sure. But I have been really worried. I have episodes of memory loss. I forget words. Mid sentence I pause, knowing what I have to say yet with my mouth open, the word will not come out. 

I feel so stupid. I feel that I am gradually losing identity. I am far from the person I was 5 years ago. I would never be able to carry out a full university course load and pass with good grades now. A few years ago I was among the top students. Where has that girl gone?

Damn you, brain.  

You Decide 

Working out is hard…..
Dieting is hard……Clean eating is hard…..

What’s also hard is being unhappy with how you look, always feeling tired, and being physically unwell because you are so unhealthy. 

It’s up to you to decide what kind of “hard” you want to live.