Traumatic Visuals

After seeing some pictures my mother in law took of me today during my birthday celebrations, I am horribly disgusted. I feel utterly horrified at how I look. I never allow photos of me to be taken from the neck down and today I was reminded why.

I think I have been traumatized.

Please Accept My Apology

My dearest Body,

Oh, how I have treated you so unkind. Oh, how so unkindly others have treated you. Yet, you still remain intact, bearing the physical, emotional, and psychological scars of unpleasantry for so little to see. Body, you have carried my being for years. You are much younger than I am in here. For reasons not yet completely known to me, there have been times where I have pinched you until you bled, cut you until you bled, starved you, poisoned you, and exploited you. Through all of this, you still remain with me: A young, beautiful shell carrying an old, bitter being.

Depression has allowed me to do these things to you. I never meant to hurt you. Family history runs deep within the vile rivers of disparity and self-loathing. I greatly apologize for those times I lacked the emotional and psychological ability to stop forced hate upon you. I want to blame my family history for my own past.

Rightfully so, these thoughts and actions are learned at a young age and I do not believe I would have naturally turned out this way if it weren’t for everything I have witnessed since birth.

Anger, depression, addiction, lust, and selfishness: the list continues. I have always known anger. I have always seen physical anger. These learned actions and reactions have caused me to harm you in ways I would never harm another living being. I cannot even kill a cockroach without crying inside.

My dearest Body, you did not deserve any of those things. I have taught you to stay still while I transcended into deep meditation. I taught you to stretch and run. I nurtured you with medication to heal you even when my brain maliciously told me not to. You are so incredible. I don’t tell you this often enough, but I spend long moments just staring at you up close. I love the rivets in your skin and the olive hue it gives off under its paleness. I am learning to love your eye color and your toes. I am learning how to give you what you need when you need it instead of selfishly taking and keeping from you.

With all of that being said, there is nothing I would want to change about you. Your lips are beautiful. Do not listen when I tell you they’re too thin. Your nose is perfect. Do not listen when I tell you it’s too big. Your vagina is magnificent. Do not listen when I tell you it’s not. Your nails are exactly as they should be. Do not listen when I tell you they’re too brittle.

The only things I wish to change are of my spirit. I am bitter and angry, yet hopeful and happy. I’m sorry that my mind is a bit confused, Body. I’m so grateful for you! For you have not betrayed me once. It is I who has betrayed you.

Yet, you inspire me by continuing to carry me forward!

You give me so much hope!

Thank you, Body.

Submitted by Ashley Godwin

When you’re a plus size woman, people like to say “yeah, she’s cute in the face”, as if being full figured is such a disgrace. Honey, I’m cute in the face, and I’m thick in the waist. I look good whether I’m in cotton, leather, or lace. I’m beautiful, vibrant and above all, smart! And there’s more to me than my weight, I also have a heart. Yes my clothes maybe a bigger size, that just means you have access to a bigger prize. We all are not self-conscious about our weight, and we never have a problem getting a date. I’m a hot, sexy, curvy woman with a figure that’s full :o)

5 Short Questions

So today in our Operation October Challenge Group, these questions were thrown out there:

This week I want us to focus on ourselves, our happiness and our confidence! Starting off I want you to answer the questions below on a 1-10 scale (1 is bad and 10 is AMAZING):
1. How happy are you on a scale of 1-10?
2. What would make you happier?
3. Is this something you have control of?
4. What makes you happy?
5. Share a photo in the group of something that makes YOU happy! This something is a treat for you, something you take time out or would like to take time out for yourself.

I really had to think about this. And here is what I posted in response to those questions:

1. My happiness level is about a 6/10.
2. Weight loss is at the top of my list of things that would make me happy in life.
3. Much of my weight gain was brought on by medication side effects and over the 2 years I spent in recovery after my car accident. For a long time, outside factors held all the control because what was happening to my body during my recovery years was out of my hands. Now that I am back on my feet and in better health, the state of my body is now my responsibility. Although it feels like I have no control over my weight, technically I do. And it is my responsibility to do something about it.
4. My pets and my husband are the loves of my life. They fill my heart with real, true happiness.
5. 2016-05-22-16-02-21

Getting Back On Track

It’s so much easier to keep going than it is to quit and start over. I need to really focus hard on being consistent with my nutrition this week. The summer has been really hard and I’ve had a lot of trouble staying on track. The past 2 weeks have been especially difficult and I have really messed up. I’ve been eating a lot of junk and I even stopped doing my workouts. And I feel so ashamed of myself for this. 
Enough is ENOUGH. It’s time to get on track now and get my head in the right place. I’m not feeling very good physically and I know that it’s because of all the crap I’ve been eating. I don’t want to feel like this and the only one who can do anything about it is me. So here’s my game plan. 

I will have my Shakeology within an hour of getting up. That way my breakfast is taken care of every day AND I’ve got my Shake in. If I am getting up early to go out of town for something I take it with me and sip on it in the car. Or if I’m going to be out and not home for lunch I will eat my breakfast and mix my Shake and take it with me in my purse so then I’ve got my lunch covered. 

I will always cook extras with each meal so I can have leftovers for the next day or 2. 

Always keep a container of boiled eggs in the fridge and for my snacks I usually have a fruit and a protein (like eggs) or a veggie with protein. 

I will always have a big bowl on the main shelf in my fridge full of serving size items in ziplock baggies. I measure veggies like carrots and celery in my green container and put a serving in each bag. I do the same with my favourite fruits, like fresh pineapple chunks, grapes, and melons. 

Availability is key when it comes to ensuring my success with healthy eating. If healthy options are in my fridge then I have no excuse for choosing junk. 

If anyone has any more suggestions please share them with me.