The Demon Has Made An Appearance

The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.

Bipolar disorder is hard.

I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.

Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.

If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.

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Help Me Forgive

Father,

I need to learn how to forgive. I’m supposed to “Forgive others as You have also forgiven us.” But I am struggling with that.

I need to let go of anger and hurt so that I can move forward. I need to let go of resentment and soften up my heart so I can continue to choose love.

Give me the wisdom to handle my pain wisely and help me to set boundaries in areas of my life where boundaries need to be drawn.

Help me harness my anger so that I may not cause anyone any harm. And when I am hurting, please heal my aching heart.

Thanks for listening Dad.

No Cover-Up’s

I want my blog to be something that shows how a real person deals with the ups and downs in life. I don’t sugar coat anything. I don’t hide the struggles and just post happy, positive things. No one has a life like that and I am not afraid to share my struggles. For one, its real. To cry, to feel pain, have family struggles, financial burdens, etc. Life is like that. Full of so many different things. Secondly, I have spent too many years hidden behind a thick mask that put a smile to my face when in fact I was crying behind it. I no longer need to do that because I am who I am and I am not seeking anyone’s approval.
My blog is a place where I share my faith, my hopes and dreams, and my happiness as well as my heartaches. I do not seek attention and I couldn’t care less if you read my updates or not. But if you do, I hope that somehow my life will be a blessing. To show that God can use the most broken people of this world to share their stories of how God’s miracles have saved their lives and that a tiny bit of faith can move huge mountains is a high calling. And that is my goal.
I am human. I make a lot of mistakes and mess things up quite often. I love to laugh and I adore small animals. One day I would like to have 5 guinea pigs, a cat, and a huge dog and they will all be the greatest of friends. I am an amputee. This causes a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. I deal with chronic pain with every single breath I take. But I fight through it. I also have Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Mental illness is often misunderstood by many ppl. Even though I sometimes feel it, I am not crazy. I am not an attention-seeker and I am not touchy or sensitive. I am sick. I am also passionately in love with my husband. I pray for him and our marriage on a daily basis. He truly is my other half. Every time I think or say his name I smile. There could not be any stronger passion  than that I feel for David​.
So this is me. And this is my blog. I hope those of you reading this will embrace me the way I am and not judge me by any photos or entries you may see. Everything I post here represents me and my beliefs in one way or another and you have to be willing to take the good with the bad. This is real life. My life. And you can choose to be blessed by it or you can judge me by it. But my goal is to let you get a glimpse of how God works in the lives of his children. And I hope you can see that by following me here. Social media doesn’t always have to me a bad thing!

Fear

That’s what’s held me back from a lot of things in my life. Fear and self image issues. I don’t like my life the way it is right now and I know this is NOT God’s plan for me. This is not the way things were meant to be.

Lots of prayer from my family, peers, as well as myself has gotten me to the point I am at this very minute. And it’s gonna take a lot more prayer to help me DO what I KNOW I need to do to fix up my life But yeah …

I’m 31 years old. My twenties were spent deep in addictions, eating disorders, suicide attempts, self injury, alcoholism and a lot of other crap. But I refuse to spend my thirties that way too. God has given me more than one second chance at living because medically I should be dead. The car accident took my arm, my hair, my left breast, some bones and way too much blood. It took my breath and my organ functions and left me on machines for a while. Doctors said I wouldn’t live through the night. That was 3 years ago. Suicide attempts have left me on life support. But yet here I am. Drug overdoses that would have killed a horse just left me limp and sick for a few days only to have me in the same situation shortly after. I have seen more hospital walls, IV needles and polls, and little cups of sedatives than any other things in my 31 years on earth. I have survived it all.

I know God isn’t keeping me alive just to live in this dark place that I am in and be alone. David’s love for me has shown me a lot lately about my importance to him and the ppl around me. My husband loves me unconditionally and it’s time I appreciate that. Which I do. Always have. But I see it in a different light right now.

I’ve got a lot to work on and it’s going to take a while but I’m determined to improve my life. I can’t waste the opportunity I have to be here on this earth and enjoy everything it has to offer.

I need you Lord. More than anything I need You. I’m so hungry for life. All that you have in store for me. I ask for you will to be fulfilled in my life. More than the air I breathe, more than the songs I sing, more than my next heartbeat …. I need You more. Your presence is life to me. It’s what I breathe. I need more of Your presence. More than anything. I need You.

My Safe Place

Without David, I don’t know how I would be able to cope with life in a healthy. Its scary to think about because there is a very high probability that I would be dead. He is my rock. My safe place. When I put my head on his chest and lie there listening to his heart beating, I pray to God and thank Him for everything He has done in my life that has brought me to a place where suicide isn’t in my every waking thought or plaguing all of my dreams at night.

Its a miracle in itself that I am alive today.