Don’t Suffer Alone

If you or someone you know is in distress or considering suicide, there are places to turn for support right here in our province, including your doctor or Newfoundland and Labrador’s Mental Health Crisis Centre at (709) 737-4668.

The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website also has information about where to find help.

You NEVER have to struggle alone. Sometimes it’s easier to talk on the phone than it is face to face and that’s why these services are available. You can access them from all over the world, not just in Newfoundland. So if you are struggling, I urge you to take the biggest step of all and break your silence by confiding in someone.

I wish I had known about these services when I was in that dark place. But I’m glad I know now because I can share it with you guys. I hope you all have a safe night 💜

#SuicideHotline #SuicidePrevention #DontSufferAlone #SufferInSilenceNoMore #DepressionHurts #PickUpThePhone #SomeoneIsWaitingToTalkToYou

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Reach Out

Before You Judge Me About Not Working

I desperately want to be able to work, but I can’t. Here’s why:

1. My illness is unpredictable.

Some days, I can function reasonably well. Other days, not so much and some days, not at all.

2. I am unable to maintain stability for long enough to work.

I have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

3. Stress and tiredness make my illness worse. I might be able to work two or three shifts. However, this would impact my health and I would spend days or even weeks recovering.

4. I am unreliable due to my illness.

I cannot maintain consistency as my moods fluctuate so much.

5. I have anxiety and panic attacks.

Some days, I can’t even leave my house because of this. I’m worse in public, especially if I don’t have someone with me.

6. I often need to be somewhere familiar and with someone I trust.

I need this to manage my anxiety and to help keep myself safe.

7. I have problems eating.

If I’m not at home to eat, I need to be with someone who I trust. Otherwise, I panic and am often unable to eat at all.

8. My medication has bad side effects, including a tremor and extreme tiredness.

I have to sleep a lot more than normal, including during the day to function. My medication and my illness often prevent me from driving too, which is very restrictive.

9. I must keep regular appointments with my mental health professionals.

This helps to help to maintain my mental health and/or to prevent further deterioration if I am unwell. This is vital. A missed appointment can at worst lead to a hospital admission.

Which brings me on to one of the main reasons I can’t hold a job down:

10. I have to sometimes be admitted to hospital and crisis units.

These inpatient admissions have been and are sometimes necessary when I become unwell either with mania, depression, or eating issues (whether I like it or not and sometimes whether I cooperate or not.)

So despite very much wanting to work, I hope I have been able to explain some of the reasons why I can’t. Oh and before anyone judges me for not trying, can I just mention I have tried being in employment many, many times. I have worked on and off since the age of 16 in various jobs.

I also managed to do half of my psychology degree before having to drop out due to my illness. Clearly, I’m not totally unqualified and obviously, I’m always trying. I do what I can when I can.

So next time please, don’t be so quick to judge someone who isn’t working. There may be many good reasons. It certainly doesn’t mean they don’t want to.

Just Keep Swimming

My life has been so crazy this past week. I’m too busy and worn out to function now. I’m trying to take care of myself. I’ve actually forgotten to eat a couple of times because I’ve been so focused on getting my dog to eat. I did make a pot of homemade soup though and it turned out great. I could eat soup every day of the week if necessary. It’s my go-to food for everything.

My dog is healing well from her surgery but we’ve got a long road ahead of us yet. In saying that, week one has been a success. I haven’t killed anyone and I’ve only had a few fairly minor meltdowns.

To be quite honest I think I’ve done pretty good.

A Late Night Breakdown

3am and I’m still awake. Sitting in the dark with tears streaming down my face, wiping my nose with the back of my hand as I swallow my sobs because I don’t want to wake my husband.

Random irrational thoughts have been intruding my mind for the past 6 hours and I feel like I’m losing control.

So I ate. Chewing and swallowing, never tasting a single bite, putting my focus on what I had in front of me. Shoveling random food items into my mouth and then gulping them down much faster than was necessary, just trying to push these horrible feelings far enough down just so that I could safely make it through the rest of this night.

But it didn’t work.

To the bathroom. With my toothbrush in hand I poke the back of my throat, over and over, harder and faster, again and again…….

Until the only thing left coming out of me is snot and tears. I’m feeling so weak and so … broken.

My husband is still comfortably sleeping, the world is completely oblivious to what I’m going through. My dogs sit on either side of me, wondering why I have interrupted their sleep and why I am so upset.

I contemplate taking something to help me relax. I have a lot of options sitting in my top drawer. My mouth waters. The answer to everything that’s wrong right now. I could make all this shit end … even for a little while.

I’m desperate and so fuckin tired ….

Coping With It – On My Own

I know how hard it is when you have no one to talk to. Especially no one who understands what’s going on with you. I have spent most of my life dealing with my issues myself because I had no one I could trust. 

Dealing with anxiety and OCD and depression and bipolar and PTSD and bulimia is a lot different and a lot harder to talk about than things like school stress, money problems, and even stress related to your kids acting up or something. Those are common things that many people talk about because it is something that many people have in common but when it comes to things like OCD and anxiety and depression, those things make people uncomfortable and there’s nothing worse than when you are trying to explain to someone what is going on in your head and they get that uncomfortable look on their face and you realize that they have no idea what you are talking about because they don’t have the same struggles. It just makes you feel so alone. 

Well, in my experience anyways. 

I have OCD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I also have Bipolar, PTSD, and depression. I’m on a shit load of meds for it all and they keep me fairly stable most days. But I have episodes of each issue and sometimes more than one thing will flare up. I might have a few days of depression and severe OCD symptoms. Or I might have anxiety attacks brought on by PTSD issues. It’s crazy. It makes ME feel crazy. And lonely. I feel very lonely because it’s a huge part of me that David and I have to work through and deal with alone. And not having friends here doesn’t make it any better. 

A Biographical Nightmare

The torment of abuse
Never dies
A Biographical Nightmare
Playing
Inside rib cages
Along scars
Around breaks
And
Disfigured lines
Clotted blood
Congealed forever
Inside wounds
Hiding
Only pretending to heal
Burn marks
The bases
Where memories
Hit homeruns
Where bullies
Strike you out
And
Where the umpire
Has been
Bought and paid