The Demon Has Made An Appearance

The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.

Bipolar disorder is hard.

I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.

Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.

If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.

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It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.

My 72 Hour Binge 

Ok so I need to be honest. This weekend has been my worst 3 days of eating in months. I completely let myself go on a 72 hour binge and I am feeling so ashamed of myself that I’m lying here in bed at my mother in laws house, it’s 2 in the morning, and I can’t sleep because I feel miserable. 

I’m bloated. My stomach hurts. My legs are restless (it gets really bad when I don’t drink enough water). And it SUCKS. I’ve seen parts of the old, unhealthy, bulimic me come back and I gotta say – she ain’t pretty.

 I haven’t had any fruit or veggies. Ive eaten things that are are heavy and rich and so full of calories that I’ve had 2 weeks worth in a short amount of time. 

Hot dogs and birthday cake and homemade chip dip made of 5 kinds of cheese, bacon, cream, onion and big bags of potato chips and pounds of wings drenched in sauce and the list goes on. 

I haven’t had any physical activity. I’ve barely stood on my own 2 feet. But I legitimately couldn’t do much about that unless I actually did it on the side of the road because we’ve been traveling a lot and have only been at the house to go to bed. 

Drove 4 1/2 hrs then stopped in Bay Roberts for 2 hours. Then drove to Cupids and stayed for 4 hours. Then to Tillton and went to bed. Got up and went to set up a birthday party at the preschool here. Had the party. I was her photographer so I was steady go. 5:30 we left and met family for supper at Wing n It. Left there and went to visit other friends to help with her wedding planning. And that’s just part of it!

All that said, I failed miserably in my journey to become a healthy person and I hate myself for not putting the effort into making this weekend WORK. I just do not do well without a schedule. Throw a new routine my way and I fall apart. 

Enough is enough though. I cannot go back to that life. I need structure and things that make my body feel good. So goodbye FOREVER to HER. These 3 days were more than enough to show me how bad things WERE and how good I can have it NOW. It’s one thing to have an unhealthy meal or some junk food and cake at a party or a few drinks of alcohol. That’s a part of life and I know I will have that. But a 72 hour binge like I have had is not necessary. This binging and purging has taken years away from me and I have done so well with recovery. 

I can’t turn back now.

Craving The Taste 

Do you ever feel that you want just one more little taste of the past? To feel it just a little bit.Once more. That feeling that you used to crave so much. That feeling that got you into so much trouble. Just once more I want to taste that destruction, whose memory has been feeling my every thought. Maybe if I can taste it just one more time the dots will leave me once again.

  

Ensure Is Making Me Unsure

After dealing with a rash that has now spread over every part of my body except my feet and my butt, I’ve been diagnosed with Subcorneal Pustular Dermatosis. 

Inflammation. Burning sensations that feel so extreme I cannot sit still. I’m the color of a beet. Layers of blisters cover my neck, chest, stomach …. 

I am taking a 10 day round of a med called Dapsone but it isn’t helping. The rash is just continuing to spread and increase in severity. The dr said I also need to take some protein supplements. Ensure drinks and protein shakes.  

Out of everything I am struggling most with that. The bottle of vanilla flavored Ensure with added protein has made me cry more than the rash itself. I don’t understand how someone my size can drink this stuff and not pack on the pounds. 

Funny how a rash could lead to a reoccurrence of my eating disordered thinking and behaviors (purging). 

   
   

The Addict in Me

It’s eating me alive. The constant thoughts, intruding my mind, 24 hours a day. I’m staring across the table at my husband as he drinks his morning coffee, watching his lips move as he tells me about an incident that took place at work the previous day, but I don’t hear the details. I see him but all I hear are the voices taunting me. You would feel so good …. no one has to know …. Wipe you nose free from residue and no one would ever suspect. 

So good. It could be so good. 

It’s NOT Ok To Not Be Ok

Lying awake a lot these past few nights, struggling to find some sort of relaxation, but obviously failing. One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that everything in my life is going so well but my mind is sinking deeper and deeper into that dark hole. The guilt that rises with being “unstable”, being caught up in the whirlwind of bipolar disorder, is why I’m lying here right now feeling so lost and so alone.

One might tell me that it’s ok not to be ok. 

But that’s the thing…. I HAVE to be ok…..if I’m not ok then other things are not ok, things outside of me are hugely affected. I have so many roles to keep up, like wife, parent, dog trainer, cook, cleaner, banker, secretary, dishwasher, etc. I’ve been doing great at maintaining it all. Stable on meds. Working routine. But the “symptoms” that have been creeping up on me are infiltrating all of that now, making every single individual task that I do seem almost impossible. It’s not so easy to hide behind anymore.