When one of your Inspirations takes his own life …

My heart is just breaking today. I feel shattered inside and very emotional. You see, I have never met or even spoken to Jarrrid personally. But I am a big follower of his. All three social media sites, podcast that he has been on, books he has written, and just the words that he writes on his Facebook page keeps drawing me to him. He is one of my favourite people that I follow and I look forward to his posts every day because I find that I can relate to him on a personal level.

But this happened.

I logged onto his website and this was there:

Jarrid Wilson, pastor and author of Love Is Oxygen: How God Can Give You Life and Change Your World, died by suicide on Monday September 9, 2019. The news of his death came the next day on World Suicide Prevention Day 2019.

I just stared at my screen and didn’t move. I didn’t know if it was real or if it was a Spam message or what. I knew that he struggled with mental health issues but I really did not expect something like this. But the more I read the more I realized that no. This isn’t a Spam message. This is the truth.

Jarrid was passionate child of God and church pastor, worked so hard to help others find their own way out of hopelessness, depression, and suicidal thoughts…but on Monday it ended.

Jarrid was a 30-year-old husband and father of two precious children.

You Don’t Look Like You Are In Pain

Ok. So tell me. What DOES someone with chronic pain look like exactly?

So I just recently read an article by a woman who had just lost her best friend to suicide because she was in so much pain and no one believed that she had fibromyalgia.

How can this still be happening? How?

Yes, Fibromyalgia is an invisible illness, but it is a chronic pain disease. It has officially been entered into the International Classification of Diseases Classification Manual (the ICD-10-CM) used by doctors worldwide. Fibromyalgia has been named the second most diagnosed rheumatoid disorder according to the BBC World News. There are commercials explaining Fibromyalgia on TV! What else needs to be done?

It is common for those of us with invisible illnesses to not be believed. We lose friends, family, employment, and our sense of self-worth. We isolate but in public, we shine. We work to put on an acceptable outfit, make sure we have some color on our cheeks and cover up the dark circles under our eyes. We smile through the pain. We walk down the street with grace even though every step makes us feel like crying. We make sure no one sees us fight back that pain.

Why? Because we are used to not being believed.

No one should have to prove to someone else that they are truly unwell. Suffering in silence is literally taking lives. And its just not right.

Before I Forget

Have you ever felt that if you found out that you had early onset Alzheimer’s that you would consider suicide while you were still able to think clearly?

Don’t Suffer Alone

If you or someone you know is in distress or considering suicide, there are places to turn for support right here in our province, including your doctor or Newfoundland and Labrador’s Mental Health Crisis Centre at (709) 737-4668.

The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention website also has information about where to find help.

You NEVER have to struggle alone. Sometimes it’s easier to talk on the phone than it is face to face and that’s why these services are available. You can access them from all over the world, not just in Newfoundland. So if you are struggling, I urge you to take the biggest step of all and break your silence by confiding in someone.

I wish I had known about these services when I was in that dark place. But I’m glad I know now because I can share it with you guys. I hope you all have a safe night 💜

#SuicideHotline #SuicidePrevention #DontSufferAlone #SufferInSilenceNoMore #DepressionHurts #PickUpThePhone #SomeoneIsWaitingToTalkToYou

The Demon Has Made An Appearance

The evil head of bipolar has decided to surface this week and it has forced me to my knees in brokenness. I spent the past 2 days curled up in the fetal position in my bed, a dog on either side of me keeping me warm. I am a walking zombie, experiencing waves of emotion that leave me crumpled over in tears. I’m so detached that I have no awareness of what’s happening around me, often not even hearing David say my name. Buddy has taken to lying on top of my chest and I welcome his weight and warmth as it’s the only thing reminding me I’m still alive.

Bipolar disorder is hard.

I’ve gone a while without having an episode but when I do, each one is truly a battle of life and death. Yesterday I took a handful of pills. Not enough to stop my heart but enough to induce a 19 hour semi coma. My husband came to find me in a very deep sleep, curled up in the fetal position, and drooling and he wasn’t able to wake me. After a while he pulled me to a sitting position and got me to drink water. In a fit of rage he flushed all of the medication, leaving me without any for the next 2 weeks, until I can get it filled again. I’m screwed.

Then he sat up all night. My husband sat up the entire night, watching over me, afraid that I was going to stop breathing. But I didn’t. I made it through the night and he left me in bed and went to work at 6am with zero sleep. And that’s where I stayed until 4pm today. My only accomplishment has been a shower which I cried the whole way through.

If you have a god that you pray to, I ask from the bottom of my heart that you would whisper a prayer for me. I’m not doing so good …. and I’m really scared. I don’t know how much I can handle.