Grief Doesn’t Stop 4 Anyone 


I am really miss you this morning, Ashley. I’m sitting here drinking a tea and my heart is aching because I miss you so much. I wish you were alive so you could sit with me right now. My life was so exciting when you were here. My best friend. My soul sister. I feel so empty and alone this morning. 💔

I see your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

I still can’t believe you’re gone

But God knows how much I miss you

And with the hell that I’ve been through

At times I wish I could take your place

Right now I’m wondering, who you’d be today ….

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Choose Your Battles Wisely

I am the type of person who gets bitter very easily. When someone says or does something that I take personal and in turn my feelings get hurt then, it is with deep shame that I’m going to say this, but I get very cold inside. I’ve been guilty of doing some not so nice things which is basically my way of acting out. I embarrass myself often with my childish ways and sometimes I even feel the need for a time-out, just so I can sit there and mull over in my head all of the ways that I wish I was different.

The slightest thing can trigger me and set me off into a downward spiral that may take 2 or 3 days for me to be able to shake it off. We were having a discussion about the Goodwill Center/Thrift Store. I mentioned that I would like to go there to look for some flannel baby blankets to use with Toby. Guinea pigs adore being cuddled and surrounded by soft, warm materials. I used to get the cheap ones at the Dollar Store in the past but they no longer carry them. So I thought about checking at the Goodwill. Innocent enough right?

No. He told me that I need to get them somewhere else. We would not be visiting the Goodwill.

The conversation went on, turned into a heated debate, now he’s in bed and I’m here sitting at the kitchen table just trying to bring myself back down from my boiling point. These thrifty shops are for everyone. Lots of ppl purchase most of their clothes there but its not always because they are below the poverty line. He made me so upset! All I wanted was to go there to get a few previously owned baby blankets for Toby to cuddle with instead of paying $15 each for one.

But I found out tonight that David has very strong feelings about such places and he is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of me shopping there. Someone might come along after me and be searching for baby blankets for her baby, but there were none because I had just taken them for my guinea pig to dirty up. I see where he is coming from. I respect his point of view. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

There will be many many more moments like this in my life. My opinions will be different. My beliefs will be different. And my blood will boil with sheer frustration. But as for tonight I’m going to B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

I-N-H-A-L-E

E-X-H-A-L-E

Its all about taking everything that life throws at me and using it to make me a better, stronger person. When I sat in front of this screen at first I was raging inside and feeling very bitter towards him. We went to separate rooms to cool down. But seriously, there was no need of this tonight. All of this over a small piece of flannel that I wanted?

Good grief.

Conflicted

While browsing through some lists that contained iPhone apps for different activities, I randomly had one pop up on my screen as being the highest rated app is several countries last year. I’m guessing that people with anorexia and own an iPhone would immediately fall in love with it. Thanks to God that my biggest struggles with my own anorexia illness are in the past. (I hope)

Tell me what you think about this.

TrackMyFast: another app to track your fasting diet. It lets you record your measurements, define fasting patterns, and maintain a food diary.

Three Days

Having a wisdom tooth removed is a very dangerous thing. For someone like me. 

The extreme pain requires strong pain medications. Extra prescriptions for extra pills to ease the extra pain. For a recovering drug addict that is prone to frequent relapse and is easily triggered by the slightest thing who also has little self control and doesn’t currently have a firm foothold in sobriety – this is a bad thing. 

Also

solid foods are not permitted for an extended amount of time. After several days a visit to the storage room to dig out the scale is a sure sign that the ugly voice of an old enemy, the eating disorder, has wiggled it’s way back. 

Three days post procedure and I’ve suddenly realized that I have once again entered a dangerous territory. 

Spilled Milk …

… and yes, I cried. Really. I sat down with a sandwich and the last drop of milk that was in the carton. And then I stupidly moved my leg and hit the table it was on. And the glass that was full with milk and ice went all over the carpet.

I just sat staring at it, sobbing.

Milk is a luxury for us. We can’t afford to always by fresh milk. But we were invited out for supper at my mom’s house today. Hubby made desert so he bought fresh milk to use.

So now tonight we are home, relaxing, watching “Big Brother” and we share up the last drop of milk. He drank his while I made a cheese sandwich, then sat down, and knocked the bloody thing over.

Now my precious treat of a small glass of milk and ice is soaked into the carpet.

Crying over this is something only a child would do. But I have been really struggling this past week. Depression/bipolar seems to be attacking me with a vengeance.

I’m falling apart.

Really
really
fast.