3am and I’m still awake. Sitting in the dark with tears streaming down my face, wiping my nose with the back of my hand as I swallow my sobs because I don’t want to wake my husband.
Random irrational thoughts have been intruding my mind for the past 6 hours and I feel like I’m losing control.
So I ate. Chewing and swallowing, never tasting a single bite, putting my focus on what I had in front of me. Shoveling random food items into my mouth and then gulping them down much faster than was necessary, just trying to push these horrible feelings far enough down just so that I could safely make it through the rest of this night.
But it didn’t work.
To the bathroom. With my toothbrush in hand I poke the back of my throat, over and over, harder and faster, again and again…….
Until the only thing left coming out of me is snot and tears. I’m feeling so weak and so … broken.
My husband is still comfortably sleeping, the world is completely oblivious to what I’m going through. My dogs sit on either side of me, wondering why I have interrupted their sleep and why I am so upset.
I contemplate taking something to help me relax. I have a lot of options sitting in my top drawer. My mouth waters. The answer to everything that’s wrong right now. I could make all this shit end … even for a little while.
I’m desperate and so fuckin tired ….
My Struggles Today 