Full Blown Relapse

Bulimia is a bitch. The insane binges followed by purging that never ever feels fully completed have been leaving me drained, in pain, and very depressed. My body is so physically confused these days. Food goes in. Food gets forced out by whatever means is available at the time.

Fingers down my throat.
Toothbrushes jabbing at my tonsils.
Sometimes all I have to do is lean over a toilet and I can make it happen without any physical actions at all.
Other days I drink cupfuls of laxative teas that work much faster and more powerful than any brand of laxative, ipecac, or intestinal flush I have ever tried – and believe me there aren’t too many things out there that have not been tried or attempted to induce sickness.

Every day I vow to eat at least 2 balanced meals and snacks. But every day just ends in failure. I do not need this right now. I cannot handle this relapse. It is messing with my medication levels which in turn is leaving me depressed and plagued with very bad thoughts, anxiety attacks at all hours of the day and night, and most upsetting, daily weight fluctuations.

It all started with a small weight gain last month that triggered some panic. A few days of restricted eating led to a week of throwing up everything I ate to what is now a steady cycle of binging, purging, and restricting. If I can get through the next couple of weeks without being hospitalized (against my will) then I will be quite surprised. I’ve already been confronted by my man with a talk of concern. Never good.

Ever.

If only I could muster up the strength within me to turn this around before something happens.